What I've Learned From a Broken Heart

The backstory: I met a girl. I fell completely in love with her. She did not feel the same for me. Things got complicated (to put it simply). Things fell apart.

My heart shattered.

It still hurts. I'm getting better with each passing day... But it's still, unquestionably, the absolute worst, hardest, and most painful thing I've gone through so far in my life.

The disclaimer: I don't want this - AT ALL - to come across as a solicitation for pity. I don't want people to read this and feel bad for me so they'll shower me with affection. I really don't even want this to be about me at all. I want this to be about God. I want this to be about what God has shown me through my pain, but in order for me to show you what God has shown me, I've also got to show you what I've been through.

Here are four (of many) things I've learned.

1. God can use our darkest moments to show us His Light brighter than we've ever seen it, so long as we let Him.

The pain was (and sometimes still is) utterly indescribable. There was a great big hole, right in the middle of me. There were times when nothing could bring me happiness. My favorite songs were torture to listen to. I couldn't watch any movie with anything remotely resembling a happy love story without crying. (This includes, but is not limited to, Disney's 1992 animated film, Aladdin.) "I ate ashes as my food, and mingled my drink with tears." (Psalm 102:9, sort of...)

There came a point in all of that pain where, in attempts to at least distract myself, I picked up a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I devoured it. From there, I went on to more of Lewis. But more importantly, from Lewis, I went straight to God. It is because of the heartbreak I experienced that I completely refocused my mind, my heart, my soul, and my strength on God. My prayer life went from stagnant to unstoppable. I learned what it means to "pray without ceasing."

And so, in the middle of all of my horrible pain... God showed me more of His face than I'd ever seen before. When I found myself surrounded by nothing but darkness, God's Light came shining through more than ever.

BUT... That only happened because I let it. Instead of wallowing in my self-pity - which, frankly, I'm really good at when I put my mind to it - I decided to open my heart and my mind up to God. I decided to focus on something bigger than my pain. Something bigger than my own misfortunes. Something bigger than my bruised ego. And the only thing in the universe bigger than my pain, my misfortunes, and my ego... especially my ego... is God.

2. Forgiveness feels far, far better than revenge ever could.

I like action movies. I like cowboy movies. I like movies where the bad guys are really, really bad and always carry guns, while the good guys are really, really morally ambiguous and also always carry guns, but happen to be superior marksmen.

So I really like the idea of revenge. I like the idea of "You did something wrong, so you're gonna pay for it." I especially like that idea when it comes in the form of "You did something wrong TO ME, so you're gonna pay for it." I have a really hard time with "turn the other cheek." I have a really hard time trying to "overcome evil with good."

But something funny - not funny "ha-ha" but more funny "I'm a terrible person" - happened when I thought about all the hurt I'd been caused and how delicious revenge could be, complete with emotional guns-a-blazin'...

I realized that I am every bit as guilty of breaking other girls' hearts as this girl is of breaking mine.

(I know there are a lot of you reading this who will find it hard to believe that I could ever possibly break a girl's heart. To some of you, I would like to say thank you for your confidence in the gentleness of my character, but I assure you, yes, I do have a dark side, and yes, I have caused some very undeserving girls a whole lot of pain in the past. Others of you simply do not believe that I'm quite interesting enough for a girl to invest enough of her emotions into me that her heart could possibly be broken no matter what I did, and to you I would like to say... Well, OK, I don't really have any good argument against that one.)

And that realization made me think of a couple of things.

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

- Romans 2:1

And if that one weren't bad enough on its own...

Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

- Matthew 6:12 (NLT)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

- Matthew 18:21-35

Have I been wronged? Yeah. I have.

But does the evil done to me compare, even on the slightest level, to the offenses I've committed against God? You could put a single grain of sand next to Mount Everest and you still wouldn't be anywhere close to comparing the difference between the two.

And once I realized that... Well, it made it a lot easier to forgive her, I'll say that much... Especially since the forgiveness that God shows towards me is directly related to the forgiveness that I show others.

And I'd much rather God forgive me than take out His revenge on me.

3. Sometimes God speaks to us through voices that we have a hard time listening to.

I've got some really, really smart friends. I've got a really, really smart family. These are people who have loved me for their whole lives, or have loved me for my whole life, or have loved me since they met me, or hated my guts at first and then for some reason decided that I'm actually a pretty decent guy and have loved me ever since. These are people whose hearts I hold close to mine, whose respect I treasure, and whose companionship has been an enormous blessing in my life.

And these people in my life - a whole lot of people in my life - were telling me, over and over and over, that I was on a road that was only going to lead to a broken heart.

Well, if you were one of those folks and haven't heard me say it yet, perk up your ears - YOU WERE RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.

I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that it was all going to work out. I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that I was right and that they were all wrong. I wanted so badly to believe that the constant voice reassuring me that everything would work out the way I wanted it to was God's voice, the Holy Spirit, leading me in my life.

As it turns out, I was the one telling myself it would work out, that I was right, that everything would work out the way I wanted it to. It also turns out that I am not God.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

- Proverbs 27:9

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

- Proverbs 15:4, 12, 22, 31

I could, pretty easily, quote a lot more of Proverbs, but it all kinda boils down to the same thing: I made a huge mistake in not listening to the advice of the people who care about me. And the only reason I didn't listen... is because I didn't want to.

I didn't WANT them to be right, even if I knew they were.

And look where it got me.

4. Pain fades, anger cools, love lasts.

I don't want you thinking that I hate this girl. I really don't even want you thinking I'm mad at her. I have my moments, but... they pass.

In spite of everything - even in spite of my own self-preservation instincts - I still love her. I would still do anything for her. I still want her to be happy. I still want her to be a bright, shining beacon for God, seeking Him in everything she does.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

- I Corinthians 13:4-8a (emphasis added)

If I love this girl - if I ever loved her - I can't be after revenge. I can't keep track of how bad she hurt me. I can't keep thinking about ways that MY life is affected.

I've got to think about HER spiritual needs.

I've got to think about OTHERS' spiritual needs.

I've got to think about showing the entire world the same unbelievable, unstoppable, unconditional, and absolutely unconventional love that God has shown me.

And if it breaks my heart? So be it.

Even if it breaks my heart a hundred, a thousand, a million times? So be it.

Because no matter how broken, decimated, shattered, or obliterated my heart may be, I haven't come anywhere near the pain that God experiences every time I choose to put myself first, surrender to my prideful desires, and turn my face away from Him.

So all I can do is exactly what I am told to do: forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive some more, and never, ever, ever stop loving.

And hopefully... even through all the heartbreak... I'll keep on learning.

(If you would like to read, or re-read, what I learned earlier on in this broken-hearted journey, this post is the one you want.)

Letting Go and Letting God (orig. posted to Facebook)

This was originally posted to my Facebook account on November 24, 2009.

I am scared to death.

I don't have a job, and every job I've applied for has either said no or just said nothing. That, of course, means I'm broke, and what's this? Oh, good, my student loans are coming in. I'm trying to get deferments, but - like so many other things in our modern world - relying on the accuracy of an automated phone system is, at best, atrocious.

I don't have any idea what I'm going to be doing next year. I've got three classes left before I finish my bachelor's degree, and the super fun part is that I haven't yet found any place close to home or online that will allow me to take those three classes without commuting for an hour both ways (done that once, DIDN'T GO WELL).

I am at so many crossroads in my life right now that I can barely remember what road I was on to begin with.

I have been through some pretty dark patches in my life before. I've been depressed to the point that I slept for at least 12, usually closer to 16, hours per day. I didn't go to class, I didn't eat but maybe four meals in an entire week, and the only social interaction I ever had was when people would come to my room to play poker. I was there for two solid months. It was hell.

I've dealt with paranoia so intense that I wouldn't answer my phone or my door for days at a time, no matter who was calling or knocking, because I was so convinced that whatever was on the other side was going to be the end of my life. It would kill me, whatever it was.

But even with the complete desperation and loneliness of that depression and the non-stop fear of that paranoia, I've never felt anything quite like this.

I think what happened is I finally realized just how little control I actually have over my own life.

Sure, I can decide what to eat, what to wear, where to live (sort of), how hard I apply myself, and all those other things. I can control what I do, sure. And yes, my actions will always have consequences, and I can (and do) try my best to make sure that my actions are positive so that the consequences will be positive.

But the snag is that I'm not the only thing in my life.

In fact, my life is made up of me... and then EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

And since I only have control over me...? Man, I am in control of nothing.

There are things that I want to happen in my life that I have no control over. A church hiring me? Completely out of my hands. Finding my wife? Ain't a THING in the world I can do to hurry that up. Perfectly maintaining friendships that meant (and continue to mean) a great deal to me now that I'm in a different state than all of those friends? I can do my best, but it is still entirely out of my control.

And that is scary.

People are complicated things. We were made that way, so don't try to fight it too much. That's where I get into trouble. I get tangled up in my mind and wind up tripping over all my emotions because I'm trying too hard to make everything make sense. I want things to be a certain way, whether it's a relationship with a friend, a job, money, or whatever, and they just aren't that way, and I get upset. I get worried. I get frustrated. I get down. I let it bother me. I take it personally. I completely lose my grip on my own life getting upset about something that I never had any control over in the first place.

Well, just how in the world is that supposed to make me feel better, huh?

We like having control. We like things making sense in our worldview. We like patterns and predictability. It all makes us feel safe.

So when we lose our control - what precious little we have - it turns our world upside down. When we realize that our control doesn't extend as far as we thought it did, it shakes us.

And that's exactly where God, in His infinite bigness, wants us.

See, here's the thing... You may think you're in control, but you're not.

You may think you've got it figured out, but you don't.

You may think you can make it on your own, but you can't.

If you don't have God, you don't have anything.

And when you actually do have God, He is the only thing you actually need.

You're no doubt familiar with the story of Abraham being told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac in Genesis 22. Abraham was ready to plunge that knife deep into the heart of his son, not knowing why he was told to do so, just knowing that God told him to do it. And since you know that part of the story, you know that God stopped him before he killed Isaac and congratulated Abraham for passing the test. In verse 12, God says, "Now I know that you fear God because you have not withheld from Me your son, your only son." So, you know... Good for Abraham. He was told to sacrifice his son, and he was going to, and then he was told not to hurt the kid at all, because it was just a test, and he passed with flying colors.

Good for Abraham, but what about me and you?

Do you think Abraham was just all chillaxed about knifing his boy? Do you think he was just rollin' up the mountain whistling a merry tune when his son asked him, "Uhhh, Dad? Aren't we supposed to... isn't there a lamb or a goat or something involved in this whole sacrifice process?"

OF COURSE NOT!

Abraham LOVED his son! He had to be scared senseless. He had to be confused. He had to be wondering HOW IN THE WORLD God was going to make this whole thing work out.

But he was willing to make the sacrifice anyway.

So what about me and you?

God has to be the most important thing in your life if you're going to follow Him. He can't be number two to ANYTHING. It doesn't work. There's a reason that rule made the top ten list.

And is that hard to do? VERY. God is asking a LOT from us. More than we sometimes remember. In Matthew 10:37-39, Jesus drops one of the absolute hardest passages in the entire Bible:

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

So there it is. That's all Jesus asks of you: everything. If you aren't willing to sacrifice your family in order to pursue God, you're not getting it done. If you aren't willing to take up a lifestyle that is guaranteed to bring pain in order to pursue God, you're not doing it right. If you aren't willing to completely deny yourself and completely sacrifice everything you are, have, and want in order to become what God created you to be, then you're never going to see how much God can accomplish in your life.

I don't want to let go of all the things in my life. I want to hold on to them. I want to hold on to people. I want to hold on to my lifestyle. I want to hold on to my stuff.

But... I've decided I want God more.

So I've got to let go.

Will the sacrifice of my own life, my own desires, leave me completely abandoned? I sure hope not. But it could. Will God take everything from me, leave me penniless, homeless and alone in this world, with nothing and no one to lean on but Him? If He has to, sure. If that's what it takes to make me what He wants me to be.

But could He just as easily fulfill my hopes beyond a level I ever thought possible? Sure. Could He send me to a church tomorrow and into the arms of my future wife the day after that? Definitely. He might even do a two-for-one and make it happen on the same day. I don't know.

But I do know that the only way I will ever find out is if I actually let go.

And I am scared to death.

Pulling back the curtain (orig. posted to Facebook)

This was originally posted to my Facebook account on October 22, 2009.

Last night, I went outside around 2:00 AM to watch the Orionid meteor shower. The stars were brilliant - dazzling - diamonds in the pitch black night sky. The sky was completely clear. No clouds, no haze, just me staring into the infinite and the infinite staring back at me. It was gorgeous. The meteor shower was fantastic. I saw one so big it had to have touched down somewhere in Kentucky.

But tonight, the sky is completely overcast. That's not really a surprise, I guess. It's been raining A LOT here lately. The night before the meteor shower was cloudy, the night before that was cloudy, the night before that, the night before that, and the night before that... All cloudy.

But last night? I saw stars so distant and so faint that the only way I could actually tell I was seeing them was by not looking directly at them. The incredible depth of the universe was laid out for me on a scale so huge that I could scarcely take in what was actually visible to me, and I still knew the entire time that there were millions of things I couldn't even fathom being able to see. I saw so much I broke my mind.

So I got to thinking.

Sometimes God pulls back the curtain when He's ready to show us something pretty spectacular. We've just got to make sure we're watching.

You're gonna go through hard times. You're gonna have rainy days and dark, cloudy nights. Nothing on this earth will ever stay perfect forever. Sorry to break it to you, but that's just how it is.

But the good news is that God is still watching out for you, and He's still reaching out to you. In the middle of heartbreak and tough times, it's understandable to feel alone and abandoned. That's only human, and you can't expect to be anything more than that. Faith allows us to hold onto our Hope that things will get better, but sometimes our fear and despair outweigh even the strongest of Hope and Faith. Life is hard. It happens to the best of us.

But it is in those moments that we are the most ready for God to work something enormous in our lives. It is at those times that we not only want and need God to show us a sign, but we're aching for it. We're ready for it.

Read 1 Kings 19. Yes, the whole chapter. It's only 21 verses, it won't kill you.

Elijah was at a pretty miserable point in his life. He's got a death sentence on his head, he feels completely alone, and he's to the point that he's actually praying that God will kill him. And this is DIRECTLY AFTER the experience with the priests of Baal on top of Mount Carmel, where God torched His altar with heavenly fire, even after it had been completely covered in water. Even after such a direct experience with God, Elijah is at just about the lowest point a person can get to. So what does God do? He pulls back the curtain. He sends the wind, the earthquake, and the fire. He pulls back the curtain and lets Elijah know He is still there. God lets Elijah know that he isn't alone. God lets Elijah know that things will work out.

Sometimes things get miserable. Sometimes things get downright - there is no other word for it - depressing. Sometimes things get really hard. And it is in those times that God pulls back the curtain to show you something pretty spectacular.

Just make sure you're watching.