A (potential) Leap of Faith

So tomorrow morning I fly out to Oregon to meet the congregation at the Madras church of Christ.

I'm gonna be up there for 12 days - from the 2nd to the 14th - preaching on the two Sundays in between, as well as teaching the Wednesday night Bible class.

It's a small church (for now!), with an average of about 20 people showing up most Sundays from what I understand. That also seems to be a generous estimate. I'm not sure.

There's a lot of complicated history with the church that I'm not entirely sure I can follow just yet, and they haven't had a preacher for about three years, so maybe their standards have fallen low enough by this point that they're willing to give me a shot. That is in fact the entire purpose of this trip, as I'm sure you've guessed - I'm going up to see if I'm a good fit for this congregation and if they're a good fit for me.

I also just got off the phone with Sallie Mae.

I do not like that woman.

My loans are coming down on me in a way that I just can't do anything about. I have been looking - looking hard - for a job, but things just haven't been happening. And I haven't just been looking for church jobs, I've been looking for a regular job-job, too. Dollar General, Lowe's, Wal-Mart, Burger King, seven different gas stations, Harris Teeter, Whole Foods, Costco, Publix, McDonald's, floor refinishing, delivery jobs... no, no, no, no, no... all no. I have no money, I have no job, and I have a whole lot of debt that is very insistent on ignoring the fact that I have no money and have no job.

It's enough to get a guy kinda discouraged.

OK, fine... Really discouraged.

I'm at a crossroads of the principles of my faith and the principles of the world. On the right, I have God telling me that He has a plan for me, and that things will work out, one way or another, sooner or later. God tells me (and, coincidentally, you) over and over that it's not up to me how things work out (James 4:13-14, Jeremiah 29:11-13, Philippians 4:4-7, Proverbs 3:5, I Peter 5:6-7, Psalm 48:14), and beyond that, Jesus tells us in no uncertain terms that we're not supposed to worry about money or stress out about tomorrow, but instead to focus completely on God, trusting that He'll take care of us (Matthew 6:19-34).

And on the other hand there's a few voices in the world telling me to do nothing but completely freak the ever-loving electric cuss-words out about not being able to repay my loans. If I don't pay off my loans, then the rest of my life is completely sunk.

Money, it's a crime

Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie

Money, so they say,

Is the root of all evil today

But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're

giving none away...

- Pink Floyd

A lot of what I'm thinking about right now goes back to what I wrote in "The Safe Bet" a few weeks back. I made the point in that post that if we are going to claim to live as though God is real, then perhaps we ought to live our lives as though we actually believed it. God says He's going to take care of us, He tells us not to worry about money, He tells us to just trust Him, take care of each day as it comes, and live our lives as completely focused on serving Him as we can.

And the thing is... I know all of that...

But man, I don't mind telling you at all that I am still scared senseless.

The pressure from the loans is bad enough, believe me... But it's not like Oregon is just up the street from Tennessee. It's not like I've actually got a lot of experience at being a preacher. It's not like I don't have doubts eating away at me every second of the day, especially as that flight gets closer and closer with every hour.

But you wanna know something really crazy?

I had already made up my mind before we even left for church this past Sunday morning to go forward during the invitation and ask for the congregation's prayers about this whole Oregon trip deal. But when we got to church and the sermon was entirely drawn from Hebrews 11, the "faith chapter" of the Bible... Well... That was kind of exactly what I needed to hear.

Isn't the whole point of faith in the first place that we actually live it out?

Isn't the whole point of faith in Jesus that we face up to the challenges that are going to come our way?

Isn't the whole point of faith in God that we accept that things may not make a lot of sense by the world's standard, but knowing throughout it all God has a plan for us?

I have to admit that I don't know what that plan is. I don't know if it's Oregon. I really don't even know if it's a church job at all, at this point. Like I said - the doubts, they are a-plenty.

But through countless hours of prayer - and not just my own, but also those of the army of people whom God has led into my life who are all supporting me at every turn - and dedicating myself to studying the Bible as best as I know how, this is what I feel like God's asking me to do.

And it's big.

But hey... I serve a Lord who died for me.

I guess the least I can do is fly to Oregon.

I would really appreciate your prayers. Not only for me, but for the Madras church. One way or another, the next 12 days are going to change my life, and hopefully the lives of a few other people. In all things, however, I hope that my words and actions can lead others - and myself - closer and closer to the eternal presence of God.

Love, Reign O'er Me

So we're supposed to boldly Love everyone around us, right? God showed us His love by sending His Son to die, and continues to show His Love through the Spirit, through the countless wonders and blessings He shows us every single day, and - most important to us - through His people. I say it's the most important to us because we are the Body of Christ, the living manifestation of God's Will on this earth. So let's live up to it!

Love that YOU are showing the world, if you bear the name Christian, is the Love of Christ in the world today. When YOU are kind, gracious and patient with the kid at the cash register (no matter how many times you have to say "A number two with Coke, add cheese"), Jesus Christ is being kind, gracious and patient. When YOU go out of your way to help someone in need, the Son of Man is going out of His way to help someone. When YOU take the Love that the Author and Finisher of our faith has shown you and give it to the rest of the world, you have fulfilled not only your purpose, but also the very purpose of Christ Himself. In showing Love, you take on the likeness of Christ, and so show Him to the entire world.

And in that, most beloved reader, you will find a wholly powerful salvation, transformation, and redefinition of your soul, of your heart, of your mind... of everything that makes you who you are.

We are imperfect creatures, born into an imperfect world. In our walk towards God, sometimes we stumble. Sometimes we stumble hard. Sometimes we stumble hard over the same thing, several times. And when that happens enough, sometimes we get to a place where we don't think it's ever possible for us to get past that thing, over that thing, or around that thing without stumbling.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the failures of the past that we begin to think that those failures define us. We start to think that our sins are bigger than we are. We start to think that our sins are who we are.

We start to think that God will forgive a lot... but He won't forgive me. I've just sinned too much.

We start to think that God loves everyone... but surely He's had just about enough out of me. I commit the same sin over and over.

We start to think that even though God created the entirety of existence, stands completely outside of time itself, and is aware of the flight of every sparrow and the blooming of every flower... even though He's God... He can't change me. I'm just too broken for God to use.

I gotta admit... I used to think that way. I used to be trapped in my arrogant, cynical, negative, cruelly sarcastic and downright mean self, convinced that the jerk that I was was the jerk I would always be. I put on the happy face (occasionally) and suppressed my inner butt-head (on a good day) and struggled through acting the part of the nice Christian boy.

But then I found out what it was like to really Love someone. I found that really showing someone Love - even if it isn't returned the way I want it to be - makes me enjoy my life more. I realized - through no wisdom of my own, but rather through the education that came from painful experience - that when I finally made Love an active part of my life, everything worked better. Now, that doesn't mean everything worked out the way I wanted it to, and it doesn't mean that I was (or am) always consistent in showing that Love across the board to everyone I came in contact with. Yeah, I still mess up. Yeah, I still have instances of being a sheer, unmitigated... ummm... I'm having a really hard time coming up with an accurate description here that isn't profanity, but I think you get the idea.

But the thing is - it's not who I am anymore. It's not what defines me. It's not what I have to base my life around - I have been set free. Through the Grace and Love of Jesus Christ, who reconciled me to His Almighty Father through the power of the Holy Spirit, I have been transformed into a new man.

And I'm not the only one.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20 (emphasis added)

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In Him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, having been buried with Him in baptism and raised with Him through your faith in the power of God, who raised Him from the dead.

- Colossians 2:6-12 (emphases added)

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that One died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

- II Corinthians 5:14-19 (emphasis added)

Martha said, "Master, if you'd been here, my brother wouldn't have died. Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you."

Jesus said, "Your brother will be raised up."

Martha replied, "I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time."

"You don't have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?"

"Yes, Master. All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God who comes into the world."

- John 11:21-27, The Message (emphasis added)

In my personal reading the other day, I tore through the first 12 chapters of John's Gospel from The Message. John 11 is mostly the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I already knew that story, and knew it well. Or, at least, I knew what happened. I've heard the story from the pulpit, I've read it in the Bible, I've seen it re-enacted on feltboards... Got the gist!

And maybe it was just the way my day had gone, or maybe it was the way my whole life had gone up to that point, but when I started reading chapter 11, I was getting pretty choked up. When I got to verses 25 and 26 (the ones in bold), I was literally wiping away tears and holding back sobs.

The true power of the message of John 11 isn't just that Jesus holds mastery over the physical life and death, it is that He has the power to give you Life right now.

People, I'm not telling you anything I've come to on my own, I'm not making any of this up, and I'm not bringing you any sort of exclusive vision of wisdom.

I'm just telling you the Truth.

The power of the Love of Jesus Christ is not confined merely to the forgiveness of your sins. The Love of Christ frees you from your sins!

They're GONE!

ALL OF THEM!

FOREVER!

He does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is His love for those who fear Him;

as far as the East is from the West,

so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

- Psalm 103:10-12

You will again have compassion on us;

you will tread our sins underfoot

and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

- Micah 7:19

I, even I, Am He who blots out

your transgressions, for My own sake,

and remembers your sins no more.

- Isaiah 43:25

For I will forgive their wickedness

and will remember their sins no more.

- Hebrews 8:12, quoting Jeremiah 31:34

So if God isn't holding your sins against you... If God - the one whom you sinned against! - has moved past your sins... If God - the very definition of the righteousness we are aiming for - isn't letting your sin define you... Who in the world are you to argue with that?

I could have stayed focused on my definition of myself as a self-centered jerk. But instead, I let Jesus Christ teach me what life is like when I die to myself and live in Him.

And I'm telling you... if a thick-skulled clod like me can do it... so can you.

You can let go of your past.

You can ignore what the world says makes you who you are, and you can embrace what God says makes you who you are.

You can stop viewing yourself through the lens of your failures, your shortcomings, your sins, your struggles... and you can start seeing yourself in the light of GRACE! In the light of TRUTH! In the light of LOVE!

You can stop living your life as a sinner and start living your life as a saint - BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!

Jesus doesn't just offer you the gift of eternal life later... He's offering you a HOLY life NOW! He can change you! He wants to change you! He wants to show you how to Love others like He Loves you! He wants to show you how to Love God like He Loves God! He wants to step into your heart and tear down your pride, tear down your fear, tear down your insistence that your sin is beyond His reach, that your life is outside of His care, that your future is not part of His plan.

I wish I could be with you (yes, YOU) right now. I wish I could be there with you as you read this. I wish I could be there, because I figure you're probably going to have one of three reactions.

Reaction #1 - You're going to smile and thank God that you've been redeemed, looking back on your past life before Christ transformed you, and you're going to want to shout it from the mountaintops that God is still working wonders in this world today. And I want to be there because I want to shout with you.

- or -

Reaction #2 - You're going to feel a rush of emotions - guilt, joy, pain, happiness, sadness, excitement - all coming together at once as you start to realize that what I'm telling you is true, that God really has forgiven you, that He is just waiting to show you a completely new life in Him, that even you can escape the gravity of your sins - no matter how terrible and dark you think they are! - to live a better life, and that realization is probably gonna make you cry. I know it made me cry, and I want to be there because I want to cry with you.

- or -

Reaction #3 - You're going to feel a twinge of hope, and you're going to think that maybe - juuuuuuuuuuust maybe - I'm talking to you, and that maybe God really will forgive all of your sins, and that you really can have a life that isn't defined by your past... but then Satan whispers in your ear, and tells you that your sins are too big, too many, too frequent, too deep-rooted into who you are, and you're tempted to give up. And I want to be there because I want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you until your nose bleeds, screaming the whole time, "HEY, DUMMY! JESUS DIED FOR YOU! GOD LOVES YOU!" (I fully realize this might not be the most effective method of evangelism, but seriously - you need to get this. It is important, and there will be a quiz at the end.)

I'm a big fan of #1. I'm an even bigger fan of #2. I do not much care for #3.

For those of you experiencing "Reaction #2" - trust me, it only gets better. God is going to show you something pretty amazing. Just keep your eyes open and firmly fixed on Him.

And for those of you who fall into "Reaction #1" category... I have a huge favor to ask of you. In the comment form below this post, if you would please, leave your story. Tell the world what God has done for you. Share what He has worked in you that others might know that He can still work in them.

I say this because it is true, and it is true only because God changed me: I love you.

Bold As Love (Just Ask the Axis)

So there's this gas station a few miles from my house, out in Fairview, on Highway 100. It's just a little country store gas station, one of the few that's open 24 hours in this neck of the woods, and it's got a sign out front that normally displays people's birthdays or anniversaries, or some prayer request for a family touched by grief, or some other little personal message. The last time I drove by, it was showing one of those personal messages, and here's the message:

ID LOVE 2

GO WITH

U

SASHA

Now, I don't have any idea who put this up, what he'd love to go to with Sasha, or who Sasha is, but I sure hope she liked it. I hope she melted into a puddle of goo. I hope she had to park on the side of the road, take a picture, upload it to Facebook, and then wipe the tears from her eyes while calling her best friend just to say "Oh, he's just so sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

But I'll admit it: even though I'm a die-hard romantic, I can understand that it might not have gone quite the way I hope it did - or quite the way the guy who put it up had hoped it would!

It's entirely possible that Sasha saw this guy's bold declaration and was embarrassed by it. Maybe she was embarrassed that the whole town of Fairview saw it. Maybe she was embarrassed by the fact that it was on the sign at the gas station. Or maybe this guy who put up the sign is just completely nuts and she was embarrassed by having this weirdo publicly longing for her.

But in either case... Good for him. Good for that guy having the guts to put something like that out there in public for everyone to see. It thrills me - as a romantic and as a Christian - to see that there's still at least one dude out there who's not afraid to show love in a public way - boldly, even.

Love is tricky stuff. For those of you who know me, whether it's personally or just through this blog, you'll recall that I'm not exactly lucky when it comes to romantic love. (I'll fully grant the possibility that I'm not "lucky" in romantic love for the same reason I'm not "lucky" in Calculus - I could very simply just have no idea what I'm doing.)

But despite my failures and/or shortcomings as dating material, I think I'm starting to figure out some stuff about the Love that is all you need, which is - in fact - everywhere.

One of the things I've learned - I think - is that there is a certain boldness required in Love. A lot of times we see in TV shows (like House the other night) or movies where there's a guy completely lovestruck, but he's too afraid for whatever reason to confess his love for this girl who is just aching for him to say something, this girl who would love to be in love with this guy, but she won't say anything about it, either.

Now, I think it's fairly safe to say that I'm not taking any notes from TV in that area. Girls that I'm fond of tend to find it out. Sometimes it has worked for me. I basically made a bet with my ex-girlfriend Michelle that us dating would be a great idea. And it was, for a few months! But other times it just winds up being the elephant in the room, you know? There's a genuine friendship connection built up, and then "Oh, hey, here's a... ummm... poem. For you. That I wrote. Because apparently I do that?" But since we're already good friends... Yeah, it's a thing. (That one doesn't have a good track record so far.)

But the point is not that I share my dating woes with you (but I do hope you're laughing at them), the point is this boldness in Love thing. It might not be the greatest approach when it comes to romance, but I believe that when we're talking about the Love we should have for everybody, there's really no other choice.

In the first few verses of John 5, Jesus heals a paralytic at the pool. One of the things that I find interesting about this healing in particular is that Jesus just up and does it. In a lot of the other specific instances we have recorded of Jesus' healing miracles, He is asked to perform the healing, usually by the sick person, but occasionally by a family member of the sick. But in John 5, Jesus just walks up, sees a man, and goes out of His way to heal him.

In Luke 13, we see another instance of Jesus healing without being asked. This time, it's the story of the woman who was bent over and couldn't stand up straight - Jesus saw her, called her over to Him, and healed her.

So Love, right? Love means you go out of your way to make someone's life better. Love means you don't always have to wait until people ask - when you see something that you can do, you do it.

But even then, there's another miracle of Jesus that I really like. In Mark 10, Jesus and the disciples were leaving Jericho, and they come across a blind man named Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus calls out to Jesus, and when Jesus talks to Bartimaeus, the first thing He says to him - and this is in verse 51 - is "What do you want Me to do for you?"

This is the first time Jesus ever met Bartimaeus, and the first thing Jesus asks is how He can serve Bartimaeus - how He can show His Love.

So Jesus sets a pretty solid example for how we ought to Love people, especially when gifted with the miraculous powers of healing. Snag is, I don't have that one.

But thankfully, the book of Acts is absolutely stuffed with examples of the apostles and early church showing Love through their actions, boldly preaching Christ, and serving one another in Love.

But it seems to me that we've lost sight of something in the years since. It seems that we've lost some of the edge, some of the boldness that Jesus and the early church displayed.

Love is not self-seeking, according to I Corinthians 13:5. But I look around - and look at myself - and see a Love that is hindered, a Love that seems to be sleeping, and that's not OK.

We've let the world talk us into shutting up. We've let the world talk us into calming down. We've let our own fear of looking weird or being mocked or persecuted push us back into our own little comfort zones where we don't step out and really confront people with the Love that we have been shown from God.

I know that I'm guilty of it, at least. I know that I am paralyzed by my own fear when it comes to showing Love for others. I'm weird enough as it is, there's no reason to go throwing fuel on the fire. I can't just go out of my way to be kind to strangers, can I? I can't make it a point in my life to improve the lives of those around me with every move I make, can I? I can't unashamedly speak the truth with every word, can I?

How would the world react to that?

Oh, yeah, that's right - they'd crucify me.

And I think that's part of why we've lost our edge on Love. I think that's part of why we're not being as bold as we should be. I think we've seen the world crucify one too many.

I think we've seen fellow Christians crucify one too many.

I think we've let sin and complacency and the love for "religion" rule our lives instead of the genuine Love for God, Love from God, and Love for His world. And I don't mean that to say that every one of you, any one of you, or really even myself, is guilty of some heinous sin where we've ignored God's commands to show Love. I think we're just holding back.

And I'd like to see that come to an end.

I'd like to see the body of Christ, His church, His people, His children, rise up in unity and in strength and say, "Hey! I'm gonna Love you, no matter what!"

And I'd like us to keep doing that even after the first shots are fired.

Because if there's any one thing that I've learned, it's that Love can be a tricky thing.

And sometimes even when you're showing Love to someone, they don't want it. Sometimes they can't see it as Love. Sometimes they do see it as Love, but still don't want any part of it, because Love is contagious, and Love means putting others before yourself. Love means sacrifice. Love means doing the hard things to help someone, even if they don't want it.

How do we show Love to someone who's crippled by a heroin addiction? How do we show that person Love when the very thing they want the most in this world - the thing that they in fact physiologically need - is also the very thing killing them?

How do we show Love to someone in an unhealthy relationship? How do we show them Love when their current idea of love is filled with manipulation and fear, jealousy and insecurity, or lies and pain?

How do we show Love to someone who is blatantly, knowingly defying the word of God in the pursuit of their happiness? How do we show them Love when their idea of love is one that allows complete moral freedom without any reproach? How many times have you heard this? "If God/Jesus/you really loved me, He/you would let me do what I want, because it makes me happy. That's what love means - making other people happy."

Say it with me everybody! No. That's not what Love means. Letting others do what they want isn't Love, it's apathy. Love means helping others be their best. Love means showing others how to care for themselves as well as those around them. Love means all of us working to make everyone's life better today than it was yesterday, and then making sure that tomorrow is even better than today.

And sometimes that Love means telling people things they don't want to hear.

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'"

"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."

Jesus looked at him and Loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

- Mark 10:17-22, emphasis added

What happened there? This young man, obviously enthusiastic about meeting Jesus, obviously enthusiastic about seeking holiness, obviously enthusiastic about knowing the heart of God... This young man comes up to Jesus and says "I want to do it right." Jesus checks him and finds him to be a righteous young man - except for one thing. And then, in the perfect Love of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, He tells the young man the last thing he wanted to hear. Jesus - in perfect Love - wrecked this guy's world. Jesus - the embodiment of Love - said something that made this guy sad! Jesus - who Loved us enough to die for us, even while we were still sinners! - showed this man Love, and in Love, told him the truth, even though the truth hurt.

So I don't know about you, but I've got some adjusting to do. I've got some learning to do. I've got to figure out how to Love people better. I've got to figure out how to get up the guts to tell people what they need to hear - in grace, truth, and Love - instead of just letting them live their lives in sin, deception, and pain.

I've got to move past my fear of the world and embrace the spirit of courage that I have been given through the power of Christ's redemption into the Love of the Father.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of Love and of self-discipline.

- II Timothy 1:7

Love others. Love all others. Love your family, Love your friends, Love your church, Love your co-workers, Love your enemies, Love everyone you come in contact with. Love them whether they're ready for it or not. Love them whether they LIKE it or not! Love every single person you come across in this world with the Love that has been shown to you, the Love that laid down His life for us, the Love that bled for us, the Love:

Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made Himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled Himself

and became obedient to death—

even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted Him to the highest place

and gave Him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father.

- Philippians 2:6-11

God Loves you. YOU. You reading this right now. You, personally. YOU are His special child. YOU are His, forever. YOU have been bought for a high price. God loves YOU enough that He took on flesh and died for YOU.

And to the best of my limited abilities, I Love you, too. Yes, again - YOU. I Love YOU. Which is why I'm telling you to go out and Love others. Love them like you mean it. Love them like your very soul depends on it - because it does! Love them the way that you have been shown, with the Father's Love, through the Love of the Son, in the Holy Spirit of Love.

Next week, I'll be writing about how Love can save you. So look forward to that. (Also, I wanted to throw in one more tune.)

Spiritual Nudity and the Unbearable Weight

I have almost no idea what I'm doing.

While I am confident that God has plans for me and is working to deliver me to a place where I am best suited to carry out His Will, I struggle with finding the confidence that I'll actually do a good job once I get there.

How much of that do I actually need, anyway? How much confidence do I need in my own broken self?

At what point does humility become bad self-esteem?

Look, I know I'm good at some stuff. I don't think I'm entirely worthless. I know I'm occasionally funny. I know I'm a pretty decent cook. I know I have moments of being a good listener (even though I'm deaf).

But I also know that I am pretty abrasive at times. I know that I've got a tendency towards arrogance. I know I'm pretty good at being an obstinate jerk about getting what I want, when I want it, and when I don't get it, I either turn into this really grouchy twit or I just get super depressed, which is no good, either. I bring everybody else down, because let's face it, nobody likes to see a big fat guy sad. It's a whole lot of sad in one place. (Plus, that's like seeing Santa Claus sad.)

So what can I do with that - confined within my own broken life, limited by my imperfect understanding - to bring others closer to God?

I think it's a pretty big step (for me, at least) to just open up about how much I fall short of getting this right.

I'm OK with saying I'm imperfect. Everybody is! There's no shame in a vague admission of exactly the same guilt that everyone on the planet carries.

I'm still OK with saying I've committed specific sins at undefined points in my past. Yeah, I'm guilty of lust - what guy isn't? Sure, there's been nights where I had too much to drink - I've been in college for nearly a decade. Come on. Let's not be silly.

But what about opening up about the late-night conversations with a married woman that went a good bit farther than they should have? I'm cringing even now just thinking about it. What about telling you I once got so drunk I blacked out, barfed all over some stranger's rug, and woke up with no idea where my glasses, wallet, keys, shirt, pants, or dignity were? That story used to be hilarious... Now it has, for some reason, been sucked completely dry of all of the humor. Funny how that happens.

I've made mistakes. I'm not proud of them. I'm not proud of my behavior. I'm not proud of who I am.

But isn't that kinda the point?

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

- James 4:10

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed...

- James 5:16a

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up...

- I Thessalonians 5:11a

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

- Ephesians 4:32

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

- II Corinthians 1:4-7

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

- Romans 12:9-16

Is it just me, or is all of that impossible if we're not actually letting each other in and showing each other who we really are?

How am I supposed to carry your burdens if the only confession I ever get from you is "I'm a sinner, pray for me"?

How are you supposed to show sincere love for me if I don't let you actually see who I am?

Aren't we supposed to be dead to ourselves and to the world, living as new creatures in Christ? Aren't we supposed to be conquering the hurdle of selfish pride and humbling ourselves in the sight of God and man?

I'm not saying we've all got to stand up in front of a crowd of millions and confess to the worst things we've ever done. (And believe me - while kissing a married woman and blacking out drunk are pretty high on the list, they're not the worst things I've ever done.) What I'm saying is that we've got to get over this idea that we're good enough to do it all on our own.

There's this epidemic - it's like some sort of theological mutant super-virus - among Christians today. People drop it in conversation when life is at its low points. There'll be a pat on the back, a pitying smile, and then it comes, the evil, horrible, entirely false and entirely corrupted statement, direct from Satan himself...

"God will never give you more than you can handle."

Oh, how I shudder at that sentence. It is blasphemy, it is heresy, and it is just flat out wrong.

Now, I don't think that people are being malicious when they quote it... And for the most part, folks think they're quoting the Bible. But what they think they're quoting is actually very different.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

- I Corinthians 10:13

So Paul tells us that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can handle, and I believe that is completely true. In every temptation, in every struggle of sin, there is always a way out. There is always the power within you and me to say no, to move on, to resist evil and embrace good. We don't always do it, but the capacity is there.

But that's very, very, very different from saying that God will never allow things in our life to get so bad that we can't handle it on our own. It's very different from saying that God will make sure that - even though we are promised, several times throughout the Bible, that following God will lead to difficulties in and with this world - our problems will never be bigger than we are.

Look - it's us versus the world. It's the straight and narrow versus the crooked and wide. It's the redeemed few versus the teeming, unwashed masses. There are still people all over this world who are dying for sharing in our faith.

If your problems aren't more than you can bear every single day, get on your knees and thank God with everything in you right now.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

- II Corinthians 1:8-11, emphasis added

Paul and Timothy were under more than they could bear, so what makes us think we're gonna be any different?

When trouble comes - and I don't even know why I'm saying this, because if you've got the capacity to read what I'm writing you already know that trouble WILL come - you've got to have something other than your own two feet holding you up, or else you're gonna fall.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- II Corinthians 12:7-10

So in our weaknesses, we learn to better lean on God... But there's still one more step.

God's strength is unbelievable. Don't get me wrong - it still works wonders in the world today. God still shapes the world as well as the hearts and minds and lives of the people that live in it.

But God doesn't give hugs. God doesn't physically come sit next to us in the hospital and weep with the bad news. God doesn't take the long drives late at night talking about the heartbreak and laughing through it just to keep from crying so much you can't see the road.

That's what we're supposed to do for each other, for God.

That's why we're here.

That's why you have me and I have you. That's why we know everyone we know, in Christ or outside of Christ.

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

- Galatians 6:2

It's all about love, isn't it? I John 3:11 says, "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." Jesus says that the greatest command is to love God, but the second is to love your neighbor.

So when are we going to get over this antiseptic, sterile, distant, cold love for the body of Christ?

When are we going to stop telling each other, "I'm praying for you," and instead start holding each other close and praying together when we learn that there's something to be prayed for?

When are we going to start tearing down the walls of pride, ignoring the self-comforting desire to look like we've got everything together?

When are we going to realize that we can't do this on our own - none of us - and that the ONLY way we can expect to get where we're going is by holding each other tight and marching on to the goal together?

Our salvation is found in Christ alone. Grace comes from God alone. Our guidance is through the Spirit alone.

But we are never alone.

I am imperfect, I am broken, I am flawed, and I am weak, but I have found strength by leaning wholly on God and I'm slowly understanding how to lean on the Christians around me. I want to do a better job of letting them - YOU - lean on me, and I want to do a better job of allowing myself to lean on others...

...and I still find that to be very hard.

I love you.

My Two Very Small Copper Coins' Worth

Mark 12:41-44 -

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

Throughout the Bible, God makes it pretty plain that He likes poor people. The ones who are down at the bottom, barely getting by, have a special place in the Heart of God, it seems. Under the Law, God's people were told to care for the poor among them, even if they were foreigners. When God delivered Jesus to the Earth, He chose Nazareth, a little pitstop so insignificant, so looked down upon, that the apostle Nathanael, upon learning the hometown of the Messiah, asked, "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" (John 1:46)

But what is it about the poor that affords a special place in the Eyes of the Creator? What does it tell us about God when Jesus tells us that the poor widow's seemingly insignificant contribution outweighed the vast sums of the rich?

That last sentence from Jesus explains it all - "They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything - all she had to live on."

This is why Jesus tells us that the rich will have such a hard time getting into Heaven. It's harder for somebody who's got a whole bunch of stuff to get rid of it all. When you've only got one shoebox full of stuff to your name, getting rid of it all isn't as much of a challenge. This is also why the "poor in spirit" are the ones who will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. When your spirit has already given up - or lost - everything else that stands in the way of its focus on God, He becomes a whole lot easier to get sight of.

Jesus makes it easy, doesn't He? Well, OK... No... "Easy" is the wrong word... Plain. He makes it plain. Time and time again, Jesus spells it out, and it's pretty simple to understand. The only thing God wants from you, the only thing that God will accept from you... is everything.

And that's kinda hard, isn't it?

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them He said:

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be My disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple.

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be My disciple."

- Luke 14:25-33

Again, Jesus makes it plain. If you're not in it all the way, you're not in it at all. There are plenty of times where Jesus spells this out - when speaking to the church at Laodicea, through John, in the book of Revelation, He tells us that being lukewarm is worse than being hot or cold, and the synoptic gospels all contain variations on the phrase, "He who is not with me is against me."

The thing is... Deciding to take on Christianity isn't like ordering one of those multi-volume CD sets off of TV. You can't "keep only the ones you want" or "cancel at anytime" and expect everything to work out. (Also, there's no Dokken.)

So how are we supposed to take all of this "hate" speech? Hate my mother? Hate my father? My sister? Myself? Doesn't that invalidate "Love your neighbor as yourself"?

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

- Matthew 10:37-39

Well, I guess I just answered my own set of entirely rhetorical questions... But I think it's worth noting that Luke's account still uses the word "hate," and that's still... Yeah, that's still really hard to handle, isn't it?

Here's how I think about it: my favorite movie of all time is Ghostbusters. I've seen it more times than I could possibly count, I've got the whole thing memorized, and I still bust a gut laughing every single time I watch it. I have never said no to watching Ghostbusters when somebody else asks, but at the same time, it's not the only movie I'll ever watch. Yes, it is far and away the winner, but sometimes I'm really in the mood for Blade Runner. Just because I'm watching Blade Runner doesn't mean I don't still love Ghostbusters, does it? Of course not.

But what if I could only choose one movie to watch for the rest of my life?

Well, I guess I would never see the "tears in the rain" monologue again, because Ghostbusters would win that fight in a heartbeat.

That example seems silly, because it only takes two hours to watch a movie, and there's nothing stopping us from watching all the movies we can manage to fit in. But I hope it still illustrates the point. Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies of all time. It's seriously in the top five. But compared to Ghostbusters...? I might as well hate it. I might as well have never seen it. It might as well not exist.

I love my parents. I love my sister. But compared to Jesus? They're nothing.

I kinda like being alive. It has its moments, at least. But compared to Jesus? I am such an insignificant mote of dust, barely a speck of existence, a fleeting thought in the mind of the Creator.

So if ever it came down to choosing between my family and my Savior... Jesus says I have to hate my family. If it ever came down to choosing between my own life and my Savior... Jesus says I even have to hate my own life.

Taking up the cross is not exercise. Jesus took up His cross and then died on it. That wasn't a surprise. When the Roman soldiers shoved the big, heavy cross onto His back, there was no mistaking what it was for. He knew that this was to be the instrument of His torture, His execution.

Carrying your cross means you know that you are going to face humiliation. Carrying your cross means you know that you are going to be persecuted. Carrying your cross means you know that your life is over, that you are dead, that nothing will ever be the same.

Carrying your cross means giving up everything.

Even down to the last two very small copper coins.

And that is a TERRIBLY frightening thing. It's a terribly HARD thing. It's so against everything that we feel makes up who we are. A complete denial of the self is so mind-bogglingly difficult because our selves are kind of a big deal to us! They're the only things we really know!

And it is in that fear, in that moment of realization that following Christ means being willing to sacrifice everything that makes up who we are, that Jesus comes in with one of my favorite verses in all of the Bible... Matthew, chapter 10, verse 39: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

Jesus is telling us - in the plainest words that He can possibly use for a concept that is so absolutely foreign and incomprehensible, down to contradicting our very instincts for self-preservation and survival - that the only way life works is by following Him to the point of death. Not to the point of tears, not to the point of pain, and not to the point of the threat of death. But to death. To the very loss of our own lives.

Because when we die to ourselves, when we have finally, with God's help, slain the creature of sinful nature and replaced it with the Spirit of Pure, True, and Holy Love, then we will understand the full reality and awesome presence of God. That is when we will truly understand what "life" is, because we will be wholly absorbed into the all-encompassing holiness of the Creator and Sustainer of all Life. And that is something I cannot wait to experience.

So I say we'd best get busy dying.

It Starts Where It Ends

I don't know about you, but 2009 was not the best year for me.

Don't get me wrong, it had some incredible bright spots - my summer, in particular, was absolutely fantastic. Positively life-changing.

But on the whole... Yeah, 2009 was kinda lame.

Part of what made 2009 so hard for me was... well, me. I made it hard on myself, really. For all the stuff I learned over the past year, it's amazing that it took me all the way until the end of it to realize that the only way any of it could do me any good was if I would just chill out for a bit and let God do His thing, instead of trying to do it for Him.

I spent so much of this past year working myself into conniptions over things that I either could no longer control or had no control over in the first place. Did I say the right thing? Should I have maybe used a different word there? Was I fully understood the way I wanted to be? Would we still be talking if I'd done things differently? What if I'd done all of this earlier? What if I'd waited and done it all later? What if I'd just ignored it all and continued on with the way things were?

The questions were absolutely endless, and I'm sure you can see how they would stress me out, which they definitely did, and to quite an impressive degree. Everything was awful. Even when I found myself in the good times - and they were plenty, whether I'd have admitted it then or not - I was still miserable because I couldn't let go. I couldn't stop obsessing over choices I'd made, or choices other people had made, wondering if it was all going to work out the way I wanted it to.

That was another big moment this year - finally figuring out that, NO, it won't all work out the way I want it to, and that's actually a good thing.

When I was a little kid, I would sneak into the kitchen and steal cheese from the fridge. As I grew older, I dropped any pretense of "sneaking" around - largely because my parents somehow always knew when it happened, but also because my desire for cheese outweighed any potential guilt or shame I could possibly have felt if my cheese-theft was made public.

Now, I still make the occasional cheese raid, but I have learned how to be more selective in my timing. I learned, through years of experience, that having that cheese whenever I wanted it was leading to complications, not the least of which being that we would quite often run out of cheese at extremely inopportune times. I learned that getting what I wanted (cheese) when I wanted it (at all times) would occasionally have dire consequences for my future (a burrito without cheese is a tragedy easily on par with the end of Old Yeller).

So I've learned something again. I've learned that God might not want me to have everything I want. Maybe God has been holding off on giving me everything I want because He's trying to get me ready for everything I actually need.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

- Matthew 6:25-34

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find

You get what you need...

- The Rolling Stones

And so, it is with that attitude of contentedly satiated patience that I look forward to 2010.

I don't know what's going to happen to me in this coming year. I don't even know what's going to happen to me tomorrow night. But with everything I've learned in the past year, there is one thing that I know for sure, and that is this: one way or another, God is working some pretty big changes in my life. I'd better pay attention to what's going on.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

- Philippians 3:10-14

As we step into a New Year, my earnest prayer - not only for myself, but for you, as well - is that we are all able to move past the baggage of the Old Year, that we can lift our eyes to the Cross, the open Tomb, and the Risen Savior who occupied them both, and that we can boldly march forward, strong in our confidence of the Providence of God, knowing that our struggles continually refine us, strengthen us, and educate us, leading us - in His time, not ours - to The Goal.

Happy New Year.

"When in Rome...", Psalm 22, and other oft-quoted yet incomplete thoughts. (orig. posted to Facebook)

This was originally posted to Facebook on December 1, 2009.

Finish the sentences for me if you can:

"When in Rome..."

"The best laid plans of mice and men..."

"Six of one..."

"You can lead a horse to water..."

"When life hands you lemons..."

You may not know all of those, but you know some of them, right? We don't even have to finish the sentences most of the time, and people understand what we're talking about. We use shorthand in our conversations because we have a collective societal understanding of what the abbreviated phrase represents in the long form.

There's a theory out there among some Christians concerning the crucifixion of Christ that says that the words of Jesus in Matthew 27:46 demonstrate, along with II Corinthians 5:21, how Jesus completely became and embodied the sin of mankind. Since God cannot exist in the presence of sin (is that even accurate? Wouldn't that kind of imply that God leaves us every time we're in our sin?), and Jesus had become sin, God had to leave - forsake - Jesus. And that's why we have the verse we have:

Matthew 27:46

"About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?'—which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'"

I don't really know if I agree with that theory. I wanna make this point clear, first off - I don't think it matters. That's not salvation issue material. You can believe that Jesus became sin or you can believe that He stayed in contact with God the whole time, like I do, it doesn't matter. God will still love you no matter what.

But anyway - the theory and my problems with it. For starts, I don't think God could leave Jesus, since the whole idea of Jesus is that He is God in the flesh. If the whole idea that Jesus became the physical embodiment of sin holds, then in the moment that God "left" Jesus, then Jesus would have been nothing but a man, completely full of sin, dying on the cross. That... doesn't quite jive with me. The point of the crucifixion of Christ is that God was willing to sacrifice His Son - a part of Himself - in order to redeem humanity. If God withdrew the Spirit from Jesus as He was dying, then the whole sacrifice doesn't make sense.

Another of my problems with it is that if you look at the Old Testament example for sacrifice, you see over and over and over again that all of the sacrifices to God had to be completely perfect. "Without blemish" is a pretty popular phrase in the Pentateuch. If the sacrificial lamb had a broken leg, it was no good. If the sacrificial bull had a birth defect, it was no good. The sacrifice itself had to be perfect. I'm not saying that the verse in II Corinthians isn't valid, I'm just saying it's a metaphor. The whole point of the sacrifice was that when someone sinned, something had to die in order to maintain the balance of holy justice. And the dying thing had to be perfect, because its death allowed the sinner to continue their life by transferring the death that they deserved onto something that didn't deserve it at all.

And my last problem with it, and this is gonna be my nifty little segue into my whole point with this, is that Jesus knew way too much of the scripture to just arbitrarily pick "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" as His expression of choice. According to Matthew, those are the last words of Christ before His death.

So let's build a metaphor bridge together. Let's say I'm dying and you're in the room with me and I know I'm about to go. We're all misty-eyed, since... you know... I'm dying... But I take your hand, and look you in the eyes, and I say, with my dying breaths... "When life gives you lemons..." And then I'm gone.

So now you're at my funeral and everybody else is there, and they're talking to you because they know you were the last person to talk to me before I shuffled off this mortal coil. When they ask what my last words were, you can tell them with ease, because even if I didn't actually finish the sentence, you know exactly what I meant. "When life gives you lemons..." is enough of the thought that the rest comes with it naturally. So you can take my dying advice about optimism in the face of adversity to heart because you know what I was trying to tell you.

That's how I see it going with Jesus.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" is the first line of the 22nd Psalm. The Psalm itself is 31 verses long, which might have been a bit of a mouthful to try to get out in the midst of a crucifixion.

I can send my Dad a text message that only says, "For days, I have tried to forget you," and he immediately knows what I'm talking about. He knows all the other verses just because of the opening line. The short introductory phrase brings the whole idea to mind.

So now let's look at what happens after "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"

Psalm 22

1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Why are you so far from saving me,

so far from the words of my groaning?

2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,

by night, and am not silent.

3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;

you are the praise of Israel.

4 In you our fathers put their trust;

they trusted and you delivered them.

5 They cried to you and were saved;

in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

6 But I am a worm and not a man,

scorned by men and despised by the people.

7 All who see me mock me;

they hurl insults, shaking their heads:

8 "He trusts in the LORD;

let the LORD rescue him.

Let him deliver him,

since he delights in him."

9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;

you made me trust in you

even at my mother's breast.

10 From birth I was cast upon you;

from my mother's womb you have been my God.

11 Do not be far from me,

for trouble is near

and there is no one to help.

12 Many bulls surround me;

strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.

13 Roaring lions tearing their prey

open their mouths wide against me.

14 I am poured out like water,

and all my bones are out of joint.

My heart has turned to wax;

it has melted away within me.

15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd,

and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;

you lay me in the dust of death.

16 Dogs have surrounded me;

a band of evil men has encircled me,

they have pierced my hands and my feet.

17 I can count all my bones;

people stare and gloat over me.

18 They divide my garments among them

and cast lots for my clothing.

19 But you, O LORD, be not far off;

O my Strength, come quickly to help me.

20 Deliver my life from the sword,

my precious life from the power of the dogs.

21 Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;

save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

22 I will declare your name to my brothers;

in the congregation I will praise you.

23 You who fear the LORD, praise him!

All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!

Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!

24 For he has not despised or disdained

the suffering of the afflicted one;

he has not hidden his face from him

but has listened to his cry for help.

25 From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;

before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows.

26 The poor will eat and be satisfied;

they who seek the LORD will praise him—

may your hearts live forever!

27 All the ends of the earth

will remember and turn to the LORD,

and all the families of the nations

will bow down before him,

28 for dominion belongs to the LORD

and he rules over the nations.

29 All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;

all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—

those who cannot keep themselves alive.

30 Posterity will serve him;

future generations will be told about the Lord.

31 They will proclaim his righteousness

to a people yet unborn—

for he has done it.

For those of you who don't follow poetry very well, let me sum this up: "Dear God, Everything is awful right now, but I know You are still God, and You are still looking after me. God, I know You are going to set things right by YOUR standards, and I know that no matter what happens, You will still be God. Just... well... if you felt like making this whole nasty mess I'm in right now work out where I'm not dead, that'd be... that'd be just super. I love You."

I'm going through stuff. The stuff I'm going through is making everything just kinda awful. I'm still trying to let go of the illusion of control, and I'm trying to focus on what needs to be cut from my life and what is worth keeping. I'm trying to get a lot of things right, and it's definitely hurting.

But I don't think - for a moment - that God has forsaken me. Oh, it may feel like it sometimes... I may feel alone... But I know I've got something bigger than me at my back. I know I've got my faith. I know I've got God, and I know He's got me.

God never promised us happiness. In fact, it's made pretty evident throughout the gospels and the epistles that if you're actually doing this Christian life thing right, things are going to get rough. You will be despised. You will be persecuted. You will be mocked. You will have times where the only thing you've got left in your life is God.

But know - don't feel, know - that God has a picture in mind of how the world will be when it is finally perfect. He's working towards it, using us to get it there. Sometimes He uses happiness to teach us things... Sometimes He uses pain. If we accept the happiness but ignore the pain, what are we actually learning? If we thank God for all of our blessings but don't thank Him for our trials, aren't we selling Him short?

I know trials aren't any fun, but neither is going to the dentist. It's still good for you.

Go look back at verses 21 and 22 of the psalm. Notice that there's not a conditional relationship between those two verses. The psalmist isn't saying, "God, if you save me from this, I promise I'll go to church EVERY SUNDAY for the rest of my life." What he's saying is, "God, I know you can save me, and if you would, that would be great. But in any case, you are my God, and I will praise you, no matter what."

So I'm sitting here, staring down the barrel of a loaded shotgun of uncertainty in my future, scared to death about losing something that really means a lot to me, and all I can think is...

God... I know You're looking after me... And I know You're gonna work this out, one way or another... But if there's ANY WAY we could get through this without the whole part where I'm completely miserable for months and cry myself to sleep and don't eat or shave or find joy in the kisses of a puppy... that'd be just super. But no matter what happens... You're still my God, and I am still going to follow You to the best of my ability with every step I take.

In Christ's name, Amen.

(For more of the whole Jesus-as-sin theory, this link has a better explanation than mine. I still disagree with it, but the explanation is better.)

Letting Go and Letting God (orig. posted to Facebook)

This was originally posted to my Facebook account on November 24, 2009.

I am scared to death.

I don't have a job, and every job I've applied for has either said no or just said nothing. That, of course, means I'm broke, and what's this? Oh, good, my student loans are coming in. I'm trying to get deferments, but - like so many other things in our modern world - relying on the accuracy of an automated phone system is, at best, atrocious.

I don't have any idea what I'm going to be doing next year. I've got three classes left before I finish my bachelor's degree, and the super fun part is that I haven't yet found any place close to home or online that will allow me to take those three classes without commuting for an hour both ways (done that once, DIDN'T GO WELL).

I am at so many crossroads in my life right now that I can barely remember what road I was on to begin with.

I have been through some pretty dark patches in my life before. I've been depressed to the point that I slept for at least 12, usually closer to 16, hours per day. I didn't go to class, I didn't eat but maybe four meals in an entire week, and the only social interaction I ever had was when people would come to my room to play poker. I was there for two solid months. It was hell.

I've dealt with paranoia so intense that I wouldn't answer my phone or my door for days at a time, no matter who was calling or knocking, because I was so convinced that whatever was on the other side was going to be the end of my life. It would kill me, whatever it was.

But even with the complete desperation and loneliness of that depression and the non-stop fear of that paranoia, I've never felt anything quite like this.

I think what happened is I finally realized just how little control I actually have over my own life.

Sure, I can decide what to eat, what to wear, where to live (sort of), how hard I apply myself, and all those other things. I can control what I do, sure. And yes, my actions will always have consequences, and I can (and do) try my best to make sure that my actions are positive so that the consequences will be positive.

But the snag is that I'm not the only thing in my life.

In fact, my life is made up of me... and then EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

And since I only have control over me...? Man, I am in control of nothing.

There are things that I want to happen in my life that I have no control over. A church hiring me? Completely out of my hands. Finding my wife? Ain't a THING in the world I can do to hurry that up. Perfectly maintaining friendships that meant (and continue to mean) a great deal to me now that I'm in a different state than all of those friends? I can do my best, but it is still entirely out of my control.

And that is scary.

People are complicated things. We were made that way, so don't try to fight it too much. That's where I get into trouble. I get tangled up in my mind and wind up tripping over all my emotions because I'm trying too hard to make everything make sense. I want things to be a certain way, whether it's a relationship with a friend, a job, money, or whatever, and they just aren't that way, and I get upset. I get worried. I get frustrated. I get down. I let it bother me. I take it personally. I completely lose my grip on my own life getting upset about something that I never had any control over in the first place.

Well, just how in the world is that supposed to make me feel better, huh?

We like having control. We like things making sense in our worldview. We like patterns and predictability. It all makes us feel safe.

So when we lose our control - what precious little we have - it turns our world upside down. When we realize that our control doesn't extend as far as we thought it did, it shakes us.

And that's exactly where God, in His infinite bigness, wants us.

See, here's the thing... You may think you're in control, but you're not.

You may think you've got it figured out, but you don't.

You may think you can make it on your own, but you can't.

If you don't have God, you don't have anything.

And when you actually do have God, He is the only thing you actually need.

You're no doubt familiar with the story of Abraham being told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac in Genesis 22. Abraham was ready to plunge that knife deep into the heart of his son, not knowing why he was told to do so, just knowing that God told him to do it. And since you know that part of the story, you know that God stopped him before he killed Isaac and congratulated Abraham for passing the test. In verse 12, God says, "Now I know that you fear God because you have not withheld from Me your son, your only son." So, you know... Good for Abraham. He was told to sacrifice his son, and he was going to, and then he was told not to hurt the kid at all, because it was just a test, and he passed with flying colors.

Good for Abraham, but what about me and you?

Do you think Abraham was just all chillaxed about knifing his boy? Do you think he was just rollin' up the mountain whistling a merry tune when his son asked him, "Uhhh, Dad? Aren't we supposed to... isn't there a lamb or a goat or something involved in this whole sacrifice process?"

OF COURSE NOT!

Abraham LOVED his son! He had to be scared senseless. He had to be confused. He had to be wondering HOW IN THE WORLD God was going to make this whole thing work out.

But he was willing to make the sacrifice anyway.

So what about me and you?

God has to be the most important thing in your life if you're going to follow Him. He can't be number two to ANYTHING. It doesn't work. There's a reason that rule made the top ten list.

And is that hard to do? VERY. God is asking a LOT from us. More than we sometimes remember. In Matthew 10:37-39, Jesus drops one of the absolute hardest passages in the entire Bible:

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

So there it is. That's all Jesus asks of you: everything. If you aren't willing to sacrifice your family in order to pursue God, you're not getting it done. If you aren't willing to take up a lifestyle that is guaranteed to bring pain in order to pursue God, you're not doing it right. If you aren't willing to completely deny yourself and completely sacrifice everything you are, have, and want in order to become what God created you to be, then you're never going to see how much God can accomplish in your life.

I don't want to let go of all the things in my life. I want to hold on to them. I want to hold on to people. I want to hold on to my lifestyle. I want to hold on to my stuff.

But... I've decided I want God more.

So I've got to let go.

Will the sacrifice of my own life, my own desires, leave me completely abandoned? I sure hope not. But it could. Will God take everything from me, leave me penniless, homeless and alone in this world, with nothing and no one to lean on but Him? If He has to, sure. If that's what it takes to make me what He wants me to be.

But could He just as easily fulfill my hopes beyond a level I ever thought possible? Sure. Could He send me to a church tomorrow and into the arms of my future wife the day after that? Definitely. He might even do a two-for-one and make it happen on the same day. I don't know.

But I do know that the only way I will ever find out is if I actually let go.

And I am scared to death.