What I've Learned From a Broken Heart

The backstory: I met a girl. I fell completely in love with her. She did not feel the same for me. Things got complicated (to put it simply). Things fell apart.

My heart shattered.

It still hurts. I'm getting better with each passing day... But it's still, unquestionably, the absolute worst, hardest, and most painful thing I've gone through so far in my life.

The disclaimer: I don't want this - AT ALL - to come across as a solicitation for pity. I don't want people to read this and feel bad for me so they'll shower me with affection. I really don't even want this to be about me at all. I want this to be about God. I want this to be about what God has shown me through my pain, but in order for me to show you what God has shown me, I've also got to show you what I've been through.

Here are four (of many) things I've learned.

1. God can use our darkest moments to show us His Light brighter than we've ever seen it, so long as we let Him.

The pain was (and sometimes still is) utterly indescribable. There was a great big hole, right in the middle of me. There were times when nothing could bring me happiness. My favorite songs were torture to listen to. I couldn't watch any movie with anything remotely resembling a happy love story without crying. (This includes, but is not limited to, Disney's 1992 animated film, Aladdin.) "I ate ashes as my food, and mingled my drink with tears." (Psalm 102:9, sort of...)

There came a point in all of that pain where, in attempts to at least distract myself, I picked up a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I devoured it. From there, I went on to more of Lewis. But more importantly, from Lewis, I went straight to God. It is because of the heartbreak I experienced that I completely refocused my mind, my heart, my soul, and my strength on God. My prayer life went from stagnant to unstoppable. I learned what it means to "pray without ceasing."

And so, in the middle of all of my horrible pain... God showed me more of His face than I'd ever seen before. When I found myself surrounded by nothing but darkness, God's Light came shining through more than ever.

BUT... That only happened because I let it. Instead of wallowing in my self-pity - which, frankly, I'm really good at when I put my mind to it - I decided to open my heart and my mind up to God. I decided to focus on something bigger than my pain. Something bigger than my own misfortunes. Something bigger than my bruised ego. And the only thing in the universe bigger than my pain, my misfortunes, and my ego... especially my ego... is God.

2. Forgiveness feels far, far better than revenge ever could.

I like action movies. I like cowboy movies. I like movies where the bad guys are really, really bad and always carry guns, while the good guys are really, really morally ambiguous and also always carry guns, but happen to be superior marksmen.

So I really like the idea of revenge. I like the idea of "You did something wrong, so you're gonna pay for it." I especially like that idea when it comes in the form of "You did something wrong TO ME, so you're gonna pay for it." I have a really hard time with "turn the other cheek." I have a really hard time trying to "overcome evil with good."

But something funny - not funny "ha-ha" but more funny "I'm a terrible person" - happened when I thought about all the hurt I'd been caused and how delicious revenge could be, complete with emotional guns-a-blazin'...

I realized that I am every bit as guilty of breaking other girls' hearts as this girl is of breaking mine.

(I know there are a lot of you reading this who will find it hard to believe that I could ever possibly break a girl's heart. To some of you, I would like to say thank you for your confidence in the gentleness of my character, but I assure you, yes, I do have a dark side, and yes, I have caused some very undeserving girls a whole lot of pain in the past. Others of you simply do not believe that I'm quite interesting enough for a girl to invest enough of her emotions into me that her heart could possibly be broken no matter what I did, and to you I would like to say... Well, OK, I don't really have any good argument against that one.)

And that realization made me think of a couple of things.

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

- Romans 2:1

And if that one weren't bad enough on its own...

Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

- Matthew 6:12 (NLT)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

- Matthew 18:21-35

Have I been wronged? Yeah. I have.

But does the evil done to me compare, even on the slightest level, to the offenses I've committed against God? You could put a single grain of sand next to Mount Everest and you still wouldn't be anywhere close to comparing the difference between the two.

And once I realized that... Well, it made it a lot easier to forgive her, I'll say that much... Especially since the forgiveness that God shows towards me is directly related to the forgiveness that I show others.

And I'd much rather God forgive me than take out His revenge on me.

3. Sometimes God speaks to us through voices that we have a hard time listening to.

I've got some really, really smart friends. I've got a really, really smart family. These are people who have loved me for their whole lives, or have loved me for my whole life, or have loved me since they met me, or hated my guts at first and then for some reason decided that I'm actually a pretty decent guy and have loved me ever since. These are people whose hearts I hold close to mine, whose respect I treasure, and whose companionship has been an enormous blessing in my life.

And these people in my life - a whole lot of people in my life - were telling me, over and over and over, that I was on a road that was only going to lead to a broken heart.

Well, if you were one of those folks and haven't heard me say it yet, perk up your ears - YOU WERE RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.

I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that it was all going to work out. I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that I was right and that they were all wrong. I wanted so badly to believe that the constant voice reassuring me that everything would work out the way I wanted it to was God's voice, the Holy Spirit, leading me in my life.

As it turns out, I was the one telling myself it would work out, that I was right, that everything would work out the way I wanted it to. It also turns out that I am not God.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

- Proverbs 27:9

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

- Proverbs 15:4, 12, 22, 31

I could, pretty easily, quote a lot more of Proverbs, but it all kinda boils down to the same thing: I made a huge mistake in not listening to the advice of the people who care about me. And the only reason I didn't listen... is because I didn't want to.

I didn't WANT them to be right, even if I knew they were.

And look where it got me.

4. Pain fades, anger cools, love lasts.

I don't want you thinking that I hate this girl. I really don't even want you thinking I'm mad at her. I have my moments, but... they pass.

In spite of everything - even in spite of my own self-preservation instincts - I still love her. I would still do anything for her. I still want her to be happy. I still want her to be a bright, shining beacon for God, seeking Him in everything she does.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

- I Corinthians 13:4-8a (emphasis added)

If I love this girl - if I ever loved her - I can't be after revenge. I can't keep track of how bad she hurt me. I can't keep thinking about ways that MY life is affected.

I've got to think about HER spiritual needs.

I've got to think about OTHERS' spiritual needs.

I've got to think about showing the entire world the same unbelievable, unstoppable, unconditional, and absolutely unconventional love that God has shown me.

And if it breaks my heart? So be it.

Even if it breaks my heart a hundred, a thousand, a million times? So be it.

Because no matter how broken, decimated, shattered, or obliterated my heart may be, I haven't come anywhere near the pain that God experiences every time I choose to put myself first, surrender to my prideful desires, and turn my face away from Him.

So all I can do is exactly what I am told to do: forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive some more, and never, ever, ever stop loving.

And hopefully... even through all the heartbreak... I'll keep on learning.

(If you would like to read, or re-read, what I learned earlier on in this broken-hearted journey, this post is the one you want.)