Spiritual Nudity and the Unbearable Weight

I have almost no idea what I'm doing.

While I am confident that God has plans for me and is working to deliver me to a place where I am best suited to carry out His Will, I struggle with finding the confidence that I'll actually do a good job once I get there.

How much of that do I actually need, anyway? How much confidence do I need in my own broken self?

At what point does humility become bad self-esteem?

Look, I know I'm good at some stuff. I don't think I'm entirely worthless. I know I'm occasionally funny. I know I'm a pretty decent cook. I know I have moments of being a good listener (even though I'm deaf).

But I also know that I am pretty abrasive at times. I know that I've got a tendency towards arrogance. I know I'm pretty good at being an obstinate jerk about getting what I want, when I want it, and when I don't get it, I either turn into this really grouchy twit or I just get super depressed, which is no good, either. I bring everybody else down, because let's face it, nobody likes to see a big fat guy sad. It's a whole lot of sad in one place. (Plus, that's like seeing Santa Claus sad.)

So what can I do with that - confined within my own broken life, limited by my imperfect understanding - to bring others closer to God?

I think it's a pretty big step (for me, at least) to just open up about how much I fall short of getting this right.

I'm OK with saying I'm imperfect. Everybody is! There's no shame in a vague admission of exactly the same guilt that everyone on the planet carries.

I'm still OK with saying I've committed specific sins at undefined points in my past. Yeah, I'm guilty of lust - what guy isn't? Sure, there's been nights where I had too much to drink - I've been in college for nearly a decade. Come on. Let's not be silly.

But what about opening up about the late-night conversations with a married woman that went a good bit farther than they should have? I'm cringing even now just thinking about it. What about telling you I once got so drunk I blacked out, barfed all over some stranger's rug, and woke up with no idea where my glasses, wallet, keys, shirt, pants, or dignity were? That story used to be hilarious... Now it has, for some reason, been sucked completely dry of all of the humor. Funny how that happens.

I've made mistakes. I'm not proud of them. I'm not proud of my behavior. I'm not proud of who I am.

But isn't that kinda the point?

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

- James 4:10

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed...

- James 5:16a

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up...

- I Thessalonians 5:11a

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

- Ephesians 4:32

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

- II Corinthians 1:4-7

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

- Romans 12:9-16

Is it just me, or is all of that impossible if we're not actually letting each other in and showing each other who we really are?

How am I supposed to carry your burdens if the only confession I ever get from you is "I'm a sinner, pray for me"?

How are you supposed to show sincere love for me if I don't let you actually see who I am?

Aren't we supposed to be dead to ourselves and to the world, living as new creatures in Christ? Aren't we supposed to be conquering the hurdle of selfish pride and humbling ourselves in the sight of God and man?

I'm not saying we've all got to stand up in front of a crowd of millions and confess to the worst things we've ever done. (And believe me - while kissing a married woman and blacking out drunk are pretty high on the list, they're not the worst things I've ever done.) What I'm saying is that we've got to get over this idea that we're good enough to do it all on our own.

There's this epidemic - it's like some sort of theological mutant super-virus - among Christians today. People drop it in conversation when life is at its low points. There'll be a pat on the back, a pitying smile, and then it comes, the evil, horrible, entirely false and entirely corrupted statement, direct from Satan himself...

"God will never give you more than you can handle."

Oh, how I shudder at that sentence. It is blasphemy, it is heresy, and it is just flat out wrong.

Now, I don't think that people are being malicious when they quote it... And for the most part, folks think they're quoting the Bible. But what they think they're quoting is actually very different.

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

- I Corinthians 10:13

So Paul tells us that God will not let us be tempted beyond what we can handle, and I believe that is completely true. In every temptation, in every struggle of sin, there is always a way out. There is always the power within you and me to say no, to move on, to resist evil and embrace good. We don't always do it, but the capacity is there.

But that's very, very, very different from saying that God will never allow things in our life to get so bad that we can't handle it on our own. It's very different from saying that God will make sure that - even though we are promised, several times throughout the Bible, that following God will lead to difficulties in and with this world - our problems will never be bigger than we are.

Look - it's us versus the world. It's the straight and narrow versus the crooked and wide. It's the redeemed few versus the teeming, unwashed masses. There are still people all over this world who are dying for sharing in our faith.

If your problems aren't more than you can bear every single day, get on your knees and thank God with everything in you right now.

We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

- II Corinthians 1:8-11, emphasis added

Paul and Timothy were under more than they could bear, so what makes us think we're gonna be any different?

When trouble comes - and I don't even know why I'm saying this, because if you've got the capacity to read what I'm writing you already know that trouble WILL come - you've got to have something other than your own two feet holding you up, or else you're gonna fall.

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- II Corinthians 12:7-10

So in our weaknesses, we learn to better lean on God... But there's still one more step.

God's strength is unbelievable. Don't get me wrong - it still works wonders in the world today. God still shapes the world as well as the hearts and minds and lives of the people that live in it.

But God doesn't give hugs. God doesn't physically come sit next to us in the hospital and weep with the bad news. God doesn't take the long drives late at night talking about the heartbreak and laughing through it just to keep from crying so much you can't see the road.

That's what we're supposed to do for each other, for God.

That's why we're here.

That's why you have me and I have you. That's why we know everyone we know, in Christ or outside of Christ.

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

- Galatians 6:2

It's all about love, isn't it? I John 3:11 says, "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another." Jesus says that the greatest command is to love God, but the second is to love your neighbor.

So when are we going to get over this antiseptic, sterile, distant, cold love for the body of Christ?

When are we going to stop telling each other, "I'm praying for you," and instead start holding each other close and praying together when we learn that there's something to be prayed for?

When are we going to start tearing down the walls of pride, ignoring the self-comforting desire to look like we've got everything together?

When are we going to realize that we can't do this on our own - none of us - and that the ONLY way we can expect to get where we're going is by holding each other tight and marching on to the goal together?

Our salvation is found in Christ alone. Grace comes from God alone. Our guidance is through the Spirit alone.

But we are never alone.

I am imperfect, I am broken, I am flawed, and I am weak, but I have found strength by leaning wholly on God and I'm slowly understanding how to lean on the Christians around me. I want to do a better job of letting them - YOU - lean on me, and I want to do a better job of allowing myself to lean on others...

...and I still find that to be very hard.

I love you.

My Two Very Small Copper Coins' Worth

Mark 12:41-44 -

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

Throughout the Bible, God makes it pretty plain that He likes poor people. The ones who are down at the bottom, barely getting by, have a special place in the Heart of God, it seems. Under the Law, God's people were told to care for the poor among them, even if they were foreigners. When God delivered Jesus to the Earth, He chose Nazareth, a little pitstop so insignificant, so looked down upon, that the apostle Nathanael, upon learning the hometown of the Messiah, asked, "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" (John 1:46)

But what is it about the poor that affords a special place in the Eyes of the Creator? What does it tell us about God when Jesus tells us that the poor widow's seemingly insignificant contribution outweighed the vast sums of the rich?

That last sentence from Jesus explains it all - "They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything - all she had to live on."

This is why Jesus tells us that the rich will have such a hard time getting into Heaven. It's harder for somebody who's got a whole bunch of stuff to get rid of it all. When you've only got one shoebox full of stuff to your name, getting rid of it all isn't as much of a challenge. This is also why the "poor in spirit" are the ones who will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. When your spirit has already given up - or lost - everything else that stands in the way of its focus on God, He becomes a whole lot easier to get sight of.

Jesus makes it easy, doesn't He? Well, OK... No... "Easy" is the wrong word... Plain. He makes it plain. Time and time again, Jesus spells it out, and it's pretty simple to understand. The only thing God wants from you, the only thing that God will accept from you... is everything.

And that's kinda hard, isn't it?

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them He said:

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be My disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple.

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be My disciple."

- Luke 14:25-33

Again, Jesus makes it plain. If you're not in it all the way, you're not in it at all. There are plenty of times where Jesus spells this out - when speaking to the church at Laodicea, through John, in the book of Revelation, He tells us that being lukewarm is worse than being hot or cold, and the synoptic gospels all contain variations on the phrase, "He who is not with me is against me."

The thing is... Deciding to take on Christianity isn't like ordering one of those multi-volume CD sets off of TV. You can't "keep only the ones you want" or "cancel at anytime" and expect everything to work out. (Also, there's no Dokken.)

So how are we supposed to take all of this "hate" speech? Hate my mother? Hate my father? My sister? Myself? Doesn't that invalidate "Love your neighbor as yourself"?

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

- Matthew 10:37-39

Well, I guess I just answered my own set of entirely rhetorical questions... But I think it's worth noting that Luke's account still uses the word "hate," and that's still... Yeah, that's still really hard to handle, isn't it?

Here's how I think about it: my favorite movie of all time is Ghostbusters. I've seen it more times than I could possibly count, I've got the whole thing memorized, and I still bust a gut laughing every single time I watch it. I have never said no to watching Ghostbusters when somebody else asks, but at the same time, it's not the only movie I'll ever watch. Yes, it is far and away the winner, but sometimes I'm really in the mood for Blade Runner. Just because I'm watching Blade Runner doesn't mean I don't still love Ghostbusters, does it? Of course not.

But what if I could only choose one movie to watch for the rest of my life?

Well, I guess I would never see the "tears in the rain" monologue again, because Ghostbusters would win that fight in a heartbeat.

That example seems silly, because it only takes two hours to watch a movie, and there's nothing stopping us from watching all the movies we can manage to fit in. But I hope it still illustrates the point. Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies of all time. It's seriously in the top five. But compared to Ghostbusters...? I might as well hate it. I might as well have never seen it. It might as well not exist.

I love my parents. I love my sister. But compared to Jesus? They're nothing.

I kinda like being alive. It has its moments, at least. But compared to Jesus? I am such an insignificant mote of dust, barely a speck of existence, a fleeting thought in the mind of the Creator.

So if ever it came down to choosing between my family and my Savior... Jesus says I have to hate my family. If it ever came down to choosing between my own life and my Savior... Jesus says I even have to hate my own life.

Taking up the cross is not exercise. Jesus took up His cross and then died on it. That wasn't a surprise. When the Roman soldiers shoved the big, heavy cross onto His back, there was no mistaking what it was for. He knew that this was to be the instrument of His torture, His execution.

Carrying your cross means you know that you are going to face humiliation. Carrying your cross means you know that you are going to be persecuted. Carrying your cross means you know that your life is over, that you are dead, that nothing will ever be the same.

Carrying your cross means giving up everything.

Even down to the last two very small copper coins.

And that is a TERRIBLY frightening thing. It's a terribly HARD thing. It's so against everything that we feel makes up who we are. A complete denial of the self is so mind-bogglingly difficult because our selves are kind of a big deal to us! They're the only things we really know!

And it is in that fear, in that moment of realization that following Christ means being willing to sacrifice everything that makes up who we are, that Jesus comes in with one of my favorite verses in all of the Bible... Matthew, chapter 10, verse 39: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

Jesus is telling us - in the plainest words that He can possibly use for a concept that is so absolutely foreign and incomprehensible, down to contradicting our very instincts for self-preservation and survival - that the only way life works is by following Him to the point of death. Not to the point of tears, not to the point of pain, and not to the point of the threat of death. But to death. To the very loss of our own lives.

Because when we die to ourselves, when we have finally, with God's help, slain the creature of sinful nature and replaced it with the Spirit of Pure, True, and Holy Love, then we will understand the full reality and awesome presence of God. That is when we will truly understand what "life" is, because we will be wholly absorbed into the all-encompassing holiness of the Creator and Sustainer of all Life. And that is something I cannot wait to experience.

So I say we'd best get busy dying.

What I've Learned From a Broken Heart

The backstory: I met a girl. I fell completely in love with her. She did not feel the same for me. Things got complicated (to put it simply). Things fell apart.

My heart shattered.

It still hurts. I'm getting better with each passing day... But it's still, unquestionably, the absolute worst, hardest, and most painful thing I've gone through so far in my life.

The disclaimer: I don't want this - AT ALL - to come across as a solicitation for pity. I don't want people to read this and feel bad for me so they'll shower me with affection. I really don't even want this to be about me at all. I want this to be about God. I want this to be about what God has shown me through my pain, but in order for me to show you what God has shown me, I've also got to show you what I've been through.

Here are four (of many) things I've learned.

1. God can use our darkest moments to show us His Light brighter than we've ever seen it, so long as we let Him.

The pain was (and sometimes still is) utterly indescribable. There was a great big hole, right in the middle of me. There were times when nothing could bring me happiness. My favorite songs were torture to listen to. I couldn't watch any movie with anything remotely resembling a happy love story without crying. (This includes, but is not limited to, Disney's 1992 animated film, Aladdin.) "I ate ashes as my food, and mingled my drink with tears." (Psalm 102:9, sort of...)

There came a point in all of that pain where, in attempts to at least distract myself, I picked up a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I devoured it. From there, I went on to more of Lewis. But more importantly, from Lewis, I went straight to God. It is because of the heartbreak I experienced that I completely refocused my mind, my heart, my soul, and my strength on God. My prayer life went from stagnant to unstoppable. I learned what it means to "pray without ceasing."

And so, in the middle of all of my horrible pain... God showed me more of His face than I'd ever seen before. When I found myself surrounded by nothing but darkness, God's Light came shining through more than ever.

BUT... That only happened because I let it. Instead of wallowing in my self-pity - which, frankly, I'm really good at when I put my mind to it - I decided to open my heart and my mind up to God. I decided to focus on something bigger than my pain. Something bigger than my own misfortunes. Something bigger than my bruised ego. And the only thing in the universe bigger than my pain, my misfortunes, and my ego... especially my ego... is God.

2. Forgiveness feels far, far better than revenge ever could.

I like action movies. I like cowboy movies. I like movies where the bad guys are really, really bad and always carry guns, while the good guys are really, really morally ambiguous and also always carry guns, but happen to be superior marksmen.

So I really like the idea of revenge. I like the idea of "You did something wrong, so you're gonna pay for it." I especially like that idea when it comes in the form of "You did something wrong TO ME, so you're gonna pay for it." I have a really hard time with "turn the other cheek." I have a really hard time trying to "overcome evil with good."

But something funny - not funny "ha-ha" but more funny "I'm a terrible person" - happened when I thought about all the hurt I'd been caused and how delicious revenge could be, complete with emotional guns-a-blazin'...

I realized that I am every bit as guilty of breaking other girls' hearts as this girl is of breaking mine.

(I know there are a lot of you reading this who will find it hard to believe that I could ever possibly break a girl's heart. To some of you, I would like to say thank you for your confidence in the gentleness of my character, but I assure you, yes, I do have a dark side, and yes, I have caused some very undeserving girls a whole lot of pain in the past. Others of you simply do not believe that I'm quite interesting enough for a girl to invest enough of her emotions into me that her heart could possibly be broken no matter what I did, and to you I would like to say... Well, OK, I don't really have any good argument against that one.)

And that realization made me think of a couple of things.

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

- Romans 2:1

And if that one weren't bad enough on its own...

Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

- Matthew 6:12 (NLT)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

- Matthew 18:21-35

Have I been wronged? Yeah. I have.

But does the evil done to me compare, even on the slightest level, to the offenses I've committed against God? You could put a single grain of sand next to Mount Everest and you still wouldn't be anywhere close to comparing the difference between the two.

And once I realized that... Well, it made it a lot easier to forgive her, I'll say that much... Especially since the forgiveness that God shows towards me is directly related to the forgiveness that I show others.

And I'd much rather God forgive me than take out His revenge on me.

3. Sometimes God speaks to us through voices that we have a hard time listening to.

I've got some really, really smart friends. I've got a really, really smart family. These are people who have loved me for their whole lives, or have loved me for my whole life, or have loved me since they met me, or hated my guts at first and then for some reason decided that I'm actually a pretty decent guy and have loved me ever since. These are people whose hearts I hold close to mine, whose respect I treasure, and whose companionship has been an enormous blessing in my life.

And these people in my life - a whole lot of people in my life - were telling me, over and over and over, that I was on a road that was only going to lead to a broken heart.

Well, if you were one of those folks and haven't heard me say it yet, perk up your ears - YOU WERE RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.

I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that it was all going to work out. I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that I was right and that they were all wrong. I wanted so badly to believe that the constant voice reassuring me that everything would work out the way I wanted it to was God's voice, the Holy Spirit, leading me in my life.

As it turns out, I was the one telling myself it would work out, that I was right, that everything would work out the way I wanted it to. It also turns out that I am not God.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

- Proverbs 27:9

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

- Proverbs 15:4, 12, 22, 31

I could, pretty easily, quote a lot more of Proverbs, but it all kinda boils down to the same thing: I made a huge mistake in not listening to the advice of the people who care about me. And the only reason I didn't listen... is because I didn't want to.

I didn't WANT them to be right, even if I knew they were.

And look where it got me.

4. Pain fades, anger cools, love lasts.

I don't want you thinking that I hate this girl. I really don't even want you thinking I'm mad at her. I have my moments, but... they pass.

In spite of everything - even in spite of my own self-preservation instincts - I still love her. I would still do anything for her. I still want her to be happy. I still want her to be a bright, shining beacon for God, seeking Him in everything she does.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

- I Corinthians 13:4-8a (emphasis added)

If I love this girl - if I ever loved her - I can't be after revenge. I can't keep track of how bad she hurt me. I can't keep thinking about ways that MY life is affected.

I've got to think about HER spiritual needs.

I've got to think about OTHERS' spiritual needs.

I've got to think about showing the entire world the same unbelievable, unstoppable, unconditional, and absolutely unconventional love that God has shown me.

And if it breaks my heart? So be it.

Even if it breaks my heart a hundred, a thousand, a million times? So be it.

Because no matter how broken, decimated, shattered, or obliterated my heart may be, I haven't come anywhere near the pain that God experiences every time I choose to put myself first, surrender to my prideful desires, and turn my face away from Him.

So all I can do is exactly what I am told to do: forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive some more, and never, ever, ever stop loving.

And hopefully... even through all the heartbreak... I'll keep on learning.

(If you would like to read, or re-read, what I learned earlier on in this broken-hearted journey, this post is the one you want.)

Why We Ought to Be More Like a Criminal

Luke 23:32-33, 39-43 -

Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with Him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified Him, along with the criminals—one on His right, the other on His left.

One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at Him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!" But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this Man has done nothing wrong."

Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom."

Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with Me in paradise."

If you're familiar with the story of the crucifixion, I'm sure you're familiar with this part. Throughout my life I've heard it time and time again in sermons about Heaven, about Christ's power to forgive anything at any time, and a few other topics, but pretty much all of them focus on verse 43, Jesus' reply to the second criminal.

I don't remember how or why, but a couple of weeks ago this story got good and stuck in my head, like a bit of popcorn kernel stuck at the back of my mouth, except with less similarity to my cat trying to get rid of hairballs.

What has stuck with me the most is the dialogue between the two criminals. I think it paints a rather marvelous picture of two very distinct, very real, and very common responses to Christ - responses that we can still see all around us even now, even within those searching after the Kingdom of God.

These two men were not minor criminals. Crucifixion was not the punishment for unpaid parking tickets. They had done something pretty awful. From what I understand of crucifixion, I'd be willing to go so far as to say that it was probably a violent crime, maybe even murder.

The first criminal says, "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!" This shows us a lot about his character, as well as his understanding - or rather, misunderstanding - of the role of Jesus. Interestingly enough, it also shows that he was at least entertaining the notion of believing Jesus to be who and what He said He is. Maybe it was simply a last-ditch effort, but he still had enough curiosity to admit that it was at least POSSIBLE that Jesus actually did have the power to save his life, which is really all the first criminal was worried about.

The second criminal, however, understood more about the true role of Jesus, and shows it through his admission of his position in relation to Jesus. His acceptance of the punishment he deserves shows his acknowledgment of his sin, but even more than that, he realizes that Jesus is facing a death that He does not deserve at all. That's when the really profound part happens. That's when the second criminal looks over to Jesus and says, "Jesus, remember me when You come into Your kingdom."

So we see how the two responses were distinct from each other. The first criminal believed Jesus was maybe somebody powerful, but could only see the value of that power in how it could directly affect his life at the moment in saving him from the pain and trouble he was in. The second criminal saw Jesus for who He really was, and humbled himself - correctly - in the sight of that power, accepting the consequences for his actions, ignoring the desires of the material world, and asking nothing except that Jesus "remember" him.

And really, the first criminal is not completely in error. There's definitely nobody better for him to ask to save him from the tough spot he's in.

But that leads us to how the two responses are still common in today's world.

It is not wrong to ask God to remove your pain. It is not wrong to ask God to save your life. It is not even wrong, I don't think, to ask God to remove the burden of certain consequences for your actions from your life. Sometimes God does just that. Sometimes He moves things for us that show us that His grace not only reaches us eternally, but also has an impact in this life, as well.

But what IS wrong is to set up your relationship with God and Christ on the conditional terms of being removed from your troublesome spot. It's wrong to test God, to say to Him, "Well, if You're God, if You're so powerful, if You're in charge of the whole universe and somehow still love me... Save me! Give me what I want! Make this easy! THEN I'll follow you. THEN I'll listen. Once you give me what I want, I'll consider what You've got to say."

The first criminal was not in a mindset that would allow him to fully see the Glory of Christ. He was focused too much on his own pain, his own life, his own desires, his own suffering, his own world. What if Jesus HAD saved him? What if the ten thousand angels had come and set Jesus free, as well as the two criminals? Would the first criminal have fallen to his knees, like Thomas, and proclaimed, "My Lord and my God!"? Maybe. And I can't say that God won't, or doesn't, use pretty big life-changing events in the lives of people to show them His power, whether they fully believe in Him or not. But what we do know for sure is that the first criminal chose to stay focused on himself instead of on Jesus. He could only see Jesus as a way to get what he wanted for himself in the moment. His relationship to Jesus was conditional.

But the second criminal got it right. The second criminal knew that his life was ending the way it was because of the choices he'd made. He accepted the consequences for his sins. And yet, even in the midst of a very painful death, he looked at Jesus and saw The One who had done no wrong, had done nothing to deserve this shared death, had no sins for which there could be any consequences. He saw Jesus not as the solution for his personal problems, but as the King who deserved his humble praise. There are no conditions in his relationship to Christ. He sees Jesus as the King whether he is saved or not. He sees Jesus as the King even as he is dying. He knows that Jesus is capable of something great and terrible, but asks only to be remembered.

The first criminal says, "If You're REALLY God, You can prove it to me by giving me what I want!" The second criminal, however, says, "I know that You are God, and I recognize everything that means, and I ask only that You take care of me in Your way."

So which one are you? What's your relationship to Jesus like when you're in pain? What's it like when you're experiencing the consequences for your actions? Do you ask Jesus to save you from the troubles?

Do you ask Him to give you what you want? Or do you ask Him to put you where you belong in His Kingdom?

Do you ask Jesus to make your plans work, or do you ask Jesus to make you work for His plans?

Are you focused on your life? Or are you focused on His Kingdom?