Looking Back and Wondering

I am often mystified by people who say they have no regrets in life, as I've normally managed to regret at least one thing before I brush my teeth in the morning.

There's this song by Led Zeppelin, "Ten Years Gone", that speaks to a situation that I'm finding myself in at the moment.  The lyrics are absolutely beautiful, as is the melody itself.  The story behind the song goes something like this: there was a woman with whom Robert Plant, vocalist for Led Zeppelin, had a very serious relationship during his early years as a musician.  The two were by all accounts very much in love, but she felt that she was in second place to his musical career.  So there came a point at which she said "the music or me" and Plant chose music.  "Ten Years Gone" is a reflection on that choice.

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

I can't speak for Robert Plant (although I would absolutely love to simply speak with Robert Plant), but it seems that he felt, in the writing of this song, that he had made the right choice in pursuing his music.  But there's still that looking back.  There's still that longing.  There's still that lingering question of what could have been.

Man, can I relate to that.

I think about the churches in California and Oregon and Alabama and Tennessee and everywhere else I applied...  and I wonder what could have happened.

I think about all the friendships I've had, all the connections I've made with people, all the lives that have impacted mine...  and I wonder if I made a positive difference.

I generally try my best to avoid thinking about all the girls who have come into my life that wound up leaving it...  but I wind up tearing open old scars, revisiting my past heartbreak in sadistic attempts to answer questions that are miles beyond my scope.

Is this why Paul admonishes us to forget that which is behind and focus only on that which is ahead?  Is there anything good to be gained from looking back and asking those questions?

There were good reasons for me to come to Texas.  I still feel that I made the right choice in moving here, even though almost nothing has gone the way it was "supposed to."  Does that mean that I never look back to Tennessee and the people in it?  Goodness, no.

I wonder about the cost of discipleship.  I wonder if I'm paying it.  I wonder if I'm just making things harder on myself than they have to be.

I don't blame God for things not being the way I want them to be...  but I definitely do wonder why He didn't just do me a solid and rearrange the universe to suit my every whim, I'll tell you that much...

The biggest problem that I face in my ministry is one of basic reflection.  I constantly find myself in situations where I am having to tell people the last thing that I want to hear.

"Material things won't actually make you happy, you know..."  Oh, shut up, Aaron!  What do you know?  Material things are AWESOME!

"Being right isn't the most important thing in the world."  Balderdash!  Poppycock!  Rubbish!

"You don't have to be married with kids in order to live a meaningful life."  I WILL CUT OUT YOUR LYING TONGUE IF YOU CONTINUE TO SPEAK SUCH FILTH!

"What are you complaining about?  You are alive to see another day, you have food in your stomach, a bed to sleep on, and God loves you.  Is that somehow not enough?"  No!  It isn't!  I don't have every little minute thing I want!  The universe does not bend to my every whim!  I'm temporarily inconvenienced by the fact that I am not an eternal being and can't see what's coming down the pike!  I am not, at this moment, drowning in waves of ecstasy!  My life isn't going EXACTLY the way I want it to!

I wish I was still naive enough to believe my own bull.  I wish I could honestly claim the sense of entitlement that every bit of my selfishness wants.  But instead, my rational side prevails, and I'm realizing that sometimes I just have to put up with the stuff that I don't want.  I don't know why I'm fighting the fact that I won't always get what I want.  I don't know why I can't just accept that things are the way they are, whether I gave them permission to be that way or not.

I wish I had the strength of will to get RRR out of my head.  I wish I could give up and stay that way.  I wish I could be honest enough with myself to accept that some things are just completely beyond my power.  I wish I could focus on today.  I wish I could just let go of my life and trust God while I do my best to follow Him.  I wish I wasn't so angsty.  I wish I could just stop thinking about all the things I would say if I could say them, the things I would do if I could do them, the places I would go if I could go there...  I wish I could just learn to accept what I've got, not looking back, not wanting more, not trying to control it all...

I wish I could die to myself and live exclusively for Him.  THAT would be awesome.

What does it feel like to be Earl Bingham?

Earl Bingham chews toothpicks by the handful and spits out scale replicas of the Alamo.

Earl Bingham, able harming, heal am bring.

Earl Bingham met his wife, Connie, when he rescued her from the clutches of Shanghai crime boss Lao Che, only to find theirselves and their 11-year-old comic relief Short Round embroiled in adventure with the the evil high priest Mola Ram and his Thuggee cult at Pankot Palace.

If you place a phonograph needle into the groove of Earl Bingham's right-hand thumbprint, you will hear a stereo recording of AC/DC's 1978 album Powerage.

Earl Bingham meets all state and federal standards.

Earl Bingham once ate a grilled cheese sandwich made with bread from all the wheat produced by the state of North Dakota and all the cheese produced by the state of Wisconsin in one year.  Earl finished the sandwich in four days.

Earl Bingham does NOT choose Pikachu.

Earl Bingham wins carnival games on his first attempt.

Earl Bingham convinced the Artist (then) formerly (and once again) known as Prince that the "symbol idea had gone on long enough, and really, bud, it was just silly to begin with."

Earl Bingham knows, at all times, the exact location of his car keys.  In 1984, a group of scientists from MIT tested the extent of Earl's abilities by making five copies of his keys, and shipping each key to a different continent.  Earl, after a week of sensory deprivation and mild sedation, could provide details of each key's location, from latitude and longitude in exact degrees, minutes, and seconds to the color of the couch cushion they were under.

Earl Bingham is the secret president.

Earl Bingham can detect 10W-30 motor oil at one part per billion from a distance of 10 miles.

Earl Bingham was the first person to ever say, "See you later, alligator."

But more importantly, Earl Bingham replaced my alternator and bought me dinner yesterday.

What does it feel like to be holy?  God calls us to holiness.  God never said "Be moral, as I am moral."  He wants us to be holy.  But what is holiness like?  How do we know it when we get there?

I often struggle with the difference between doing "the right thing" and "not the worst thing."  I have no shortage of personal shortcomings, and most of my closest friends will be the quickest to list them for you (or me, as the case may be).  But I really do at least try to make choices that are motivated by Love for God and Love for Others.

There is no bigger obstacle to my pursuit of holiness than myself.  I find that it is downright difficult to quit an addiction to the self.  I find it even harder to actually recognize selfishness in all its true forms.

Is it selfish for me to rack up a $80 bar tab when Corwin and I are sharing what extremely little funds we have?  Yes, absolutely.  That one's easy.  (I have not done this.)

Is it selfish for me to insist that I'm the right guy, even when another has very definitely been chosen?  Ummm...  Let me get back to you on that...  I need some more time to sulk and pout.  (How am I NOT the right guy?  I turned her on to the Beatles, for cryin' out loud...  Starting with Revolver, no less!  That is a matter of COSMIC import!  And yet I am somehow NOT the guy?)

What's the holy way to handle that?

Is it holy to go out of your way to help a dude out by replacing his alternator?  Oh, goodness...  I certainly think so...  Throw a couple burgers and a big ol' Coke on top of it...  Mercy.  I'm ready to make the man a saint.

Like I said - we're not called to be moral, we're called to be holy.  If we were called to be moral, it'd be a whole lot easier.  Just "not being bad" is a lot easier than proactively being so good I exhibit the goodness that can only come from God.

There is an enormous difference between improving the situation and just keeping it from getting worse.  I would like to be improving the world's situation with every step I take.

Earl Bingham definitely made my life a whole lot easier yesterday with a one-two punch of bein' an awesome dude.  Dinner AND reliable transportation?  The man fed me AND fixed my car?

Goodness.  Holiness, even.

I want to be less of myself.  I want to be less of the arrogant, lustful, greedy, lazy, pessimistic, hopeless, angry, manipulative, sad-sack of a man that I am when I just let myself be myself.  I want to be more like Earl Bingham.  Dude fixed my car and then iced that cake with cheeseburgers.

I want to make people's lives better.  I want to be a blessing, not a curse.  I want to show everybody the Love that I have been shown.

I just want to be holy.

The Thing about Beer Commercials

Do you remember the "Real Men of Genius" commercials from Bud Light?  Back before 9/11, they were the "Real American Heroes."  Take a look at Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer.

Hilarious, n'est-ce pas?

But here's the terribly unfortunate snag: BUD LIGHT IS HORRIBLE BEER.

All of the defenses for Bud Light (as well as Coors Light, Miller Lite, Keystone Light, Natty Light, etc...) are pretty much the same: it's cold, it's chuggable, and it's cheap.  So for a few bucks and minimal commitment, you can get yourself to a state of illegal-to-drive-ness pretty quick and easy.

And if all you want is to just get yourself hammered, hey, yeah, go ahead, grab a 30 of whatever awful concoction you find lurking in the back of the cooler at the 7-Eleven and just go to town.  Puke your guts out for all I care.  Bad beer leads to bad things.

And I realize that taste is a subjective thing, and that you might enjoy terrible beers like the ones I've listed, but the thing that you've absolutely got to understand is that they're still terrible beers.  Just because you like the taste of terrible beer doesn't mean the beer isn't terrible.

There are billboards throughout the eastern part of Arkansas - the rice-growing parts - proudly stating that Budweiser and Bud Light are brewed with Arkansas-grown rice.

Wait...  Rice?  In beer?

Isn't it supposed to be a beverage of malted barley and/or wheat?  Since when has rice been a part of the equation?

Oh, right, since companies wanted to start making cheaper beer by using ingredients that still produce the alcohol necessary to get you drunk but without any of the troublesome work of making the beer taste good.

But hey...  They got some awesome commercials, right?

On the other hand, I have never seen a commercial for Hoegaarden, one of my favorite beers.  It's just delicious.  It's what beer ought to be - tasty.  Tasty and, you know... not made with rice.  Yay for wheat beer.  Exellent with a squirt of lemon.

But what about people who have never had anything other than terrible beer?  What do we do with these poor souls?  How do you show them that there's something better?  Can you do anything other than just pour one?

I look at beer and I see churches.

I see churches that have these amazing programs designed to get people into the door, enormous undertakings to get the church name recognition in the community, big trips to get the kids excited about coming to church...

But once you get there, it's just another batch of the same watered-down swill everywhere else.  It's been comprimised in the name of making it easier, cheaper...  lamer.

I've found myself in more and more situations recently where I've had to clarify my stance on denominationalism (it stinks) and explain to people that all I'm trying to do is follow Jesus.  I'm not trying to follow Him the way Martin Luther said to follow Him, nor Alexander Campbell, nor Billy Graham, nor Pope Bocephus the Awesome XII.

(He was a pope, right?)

And I cannot help but see that there are so many things that so many other people in so many other churches get so hung up on because they're trying to filter Jesus through everything else they've ever been told instead of trying to filter everything else through Jesus.

When you make beer with things that aren't supposed to be in beer, you get terrible beer.  (Or Dogfish Head.)

When you make Christianity with things other than what Jesus said, you get...  well, you get every problem people have ever had with Christianity.

Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Love others as you Love yourself.

THAT'S IT.

There are no more ingredients involved in this recipe.  There are no more pieces to the puzzle.  There are no more Legos necessary for this spaceship.  This is it.  This is all it's about.  Everything else - EVERYTHING. ELSE. - falls into one or both of those two categories, and those two categories fall into each other.  Love for God is carried out in Love for others, and Love to others is Love for God.  That's BIBLE.  Matthew 22.  The epistle of James.  Everything written by John.

I could go on, but I really hope you catch what I'm slinging here.

The conundrum is that I don't know of any better way to show people what Jesus was actually trying to teach than by doing it.  That has certainly been the most effective tactic for me thus far.  But it is definitely difficult facing up against a wall of tradition, especially when that tradition is broken.

I've seen what the world outside thinks of church.  It's not good.  It's a picture filled with judgmental thinking, slavish dedication to rules, and an eagerness to divide things into an "us vs. them" mentaility.  That is all completely opposed to what Jesus taught.

Jesus taught universal love and acceptance.  Does sin exist in Jesus's worldview?  Absolutely.  But the chiefest sin is to use God as a reason to oppress people.

Jesus came to free us from the Law.  But today's churches have inisisted that our freedom from the Law is apparently only freedom from dietary restrictions.  So many Christians live out their faith in a strict legalism instead of the open, free, Spirit-led walk that it was meant to be.  Are there rules in Christianity?  Yes, absolutely, and here they are: Love God, Love Others.  Done.  End of story.  If you can drink a beer and still Love God and Love Others, then by all means, go ahead and enjoy your beer.  If you can't, then by all means, don't.  But just because you can't doesn't mean anybody else shouldn't.

Jesus came to unite the world.  We are not meant to live as nation versus nation, or denomination versus denomination.  We are meant to be united in our Love for God and for our fellow man.  That's the point.  The people who go to a different church are still going to church, and Jesus said that's OK.  The people who don't go to church at all need to be shown the Love of God that compels them to join others in a church, they don't need to be guilted into attending a building.

I have said a lot of these things before, but they just keep coming up over and over again as the things I constantly see deterring people from Christianity.

How about we knock all that crap off, huh?

And stop drinking terrible beer while you're at it.