Do I Surprise You?

So a few nights ago, I went out to Nashville with my buddy Will to catch the Umphrey's McGee show at War Memorial Auditorium. That it was Umphrey's McGee doesn't really have any bearing on the story, I just thought I would throw that out for those of you who actually know who Umphrey's McGee is, so you could be jealous. (As you all should.)

While we were standing in line for our tickets, we got to talking to this guy - well, OK, he got to talking to us - who really liked letting us know just how connected he was. He said he was college buddies with the guys in the opening band, and would have been on the guest list if he'd wanted to, but he felt like paying for his ticket to support his friends. He pointed out a name on one of the bronze plaques commemorating all of the soldiers from Tennessee who died in WWI, and proudly said, "Well, there it is! Cunningham!" (or whatever his last name was, I forget), as though Will and I should have already known who this guy was. As time went on, he kept name-dropping all these people he'd worked with, places he'd gone, how much he paid for the rarer brands of Scotch he had in his cabinet back home...

But then he started talking about his break-up with his girlfriend. They'd broken up two months ago, and he was showing incredible maturity and restraint by not just immediately seducing any of the dozens - nay, scores! - of eager, nubile women he could have easily attained at any moment. Instead, he told us, he was taking some time off from the dating scene. After all, he knows they'll wind up back together eventually. And besides, he's still good friends with her father, since, as he pointed out to us, "he's a Christian, I'm a Christian, we're both Christian men, so there's been a reconciliation..."

Now... PLEASE don't think that I'm making any sort of judgment call on this guy. There was nothing about his behavior in the 30 minutes or so that Will and I were waiting in line with him that was characteristically un-Christian. He was kind of long winded, maybe, but hey, so was Paul. I definitely don't have any problem with Christians drinking, and there's nothing in the world wrong with a Christian being at an Umphrey's McGee show.

But at the same time, I was surprised when he just dropped that tidbit on me. It's not so much that there was anything in his behavior that made me think he wasn't a Christian, it's just that there was absolutely nothing about his behavior that made me think he was a Christian.

I really hope people aren't surprised when I tell them I'm a Christian. I really hope it makes sense. I really hope they don't even need me to tell them!

People are consistently surprised when they find out I'm an Eagle Scout. Honestly, I can see how that happens.

People are consistently surprised when they find out I'm actually a pretty good cook. This is an absolute mystery to me.

But I really hope my faith comes as no surprise to people. I am striving to present an endless, selfless, deep, genuine love to everyone I meet - a "love that surpasses knowledge."

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

- Ephesians 5:1-2

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?

- II Corinthians 2:14-16

So here's how that's all coming out in my life right now.

I am becoming less and less of a jerk with each passing day, and quite frankly, it's exhilarating.

I am becoming more and more of the guy I've always wanted people to think I already was. I'm more patient, more sympathetic and empathetic, more generous, more self-controlled, more gentle... All around nicer! I'm just becoming a nicer guy! And it's fantastic!

I'm telling you all this not to boast in my own accomplishments, or in any way to glorify myself, but to sincerely give all credit and praise to God for the work He has done, is doing, and will continue to do in me.

I look at the guy I was five years ago, the guy I was three years ago, the guy I was one year ago, the guy I was yesterday, and I see so many parts of my life where God has refused to let me stay the same, even if I was perfectly content to do just that.

I've been through some pain, but that pain served to buff out my rough spots. I've been through some really high points, but those high points served to show me how well my life can work when I have love on my mind and Christ in my heart. I've been through some really hectic, frenetic, manically busy spots, but being so busy served to show me that there are some things I don't need to worry about, because God has it taken care of already. I've been through some really slow, dull, empty stretches, but those slow periods served to teach me the value of meditation and time alone with God.

So why am I telling you? What good does it do you? Well... I don't really know.

I hope my testimony can be a point of hope for you in your walk with God. Maybe you're already beyond where I am right now, or you're getting there with me, and this is simply an opportunity for you to join me in thanking God for the transformative work He does in all of us when we open up to Him. If you're not quite there yet - if you're still struggling to allow God's will to supersede your own, if you're still having a hard time hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit over your own voice - then I hope this can serve as a point of encouragement for you. I hope that you can see where God has brought me in my walk with Him, and let that show you that you can walk just as far, and even farther.

You CAN have an intimate, personal, vibrant relationship with God. Believe me. If I can do it, anybody can. If God can take me - arrogant, skeptical, impulsive, greedy, selfish, impatient, lustful and bitter as I was - and turn me into a new man - a more humble, more faithful, more self-controlled, more generous, more selfless, more patient, more pure and more joyous man - then He can certainly do it with you, or anyone else for that matter.

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful, appointing me to His service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

- I Timothy 1:12-17

I can take no credit - and don't want to anyway - for the changes that are coming around in me. The glory belongs entirely to God, who reconciled me to Himself through His Son, Jesus Christ, and who guides me in His Will for me through His Holy Spirit.

I want to be Christ to the world around me. I want to show everyone I come in contact with the same love that has been shown to me. I want to build a reputation as a man singularly dedicated to the expansion of the Kingdom of God. I want to love, share, teach, preach, reach, serve, feed, clothe, visit... I want to do it all. I want to be God's conduit. I want to be unstoppable.

My friend Corwin and I have had a couple of conversations lately that have led us to an idea we're both really fond of. It's sad to say that in today's world we are not unfamiliar with religious extremists who are willing to die violent suicidal deaths, taking out groups of innocents and themselves as well in the name of their faith.

But what if we had that same zeal? What if we had that same unstoppable, fanatical faith that would lead us to sacrifice our own lives? And what if, instead of sacrificing our lives in the name of violence and terror, we sacrificed our lives in the name of love and peace? What if we decided that we weren't going to be suicide bombers, but instead, suicide lovers? What if we decided, "OK, world... You know what? I am going to love you, no matter what. I am going to show you what love really looks like, even if it kills me."

I imagine that would be something of a surprise, wouldn't it?

I'm Getting Hungry Again

The sixth chapter of the Gospel of John opens with the feeding of the five thousand, after which Jesus heads up a mountain to get away from the people. The disciples boat on out into the Sea of Galilee, Jesus walks out to them on the water, and once He gets into the boat, they land in Capernaum. The next morning, the crowds realize that Jesus and the disciples are all gone - and, conveniently enough, so's their boat. So the crowd hops aboard a few boats that have just arrived for the morning's commerce and sail on over to Capernaum, looking for Jesus.

When they found Him on the other side of the lake, they asked Him, "Rabbi, when did You get here?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, you are looking for Me, not because you saw miraculous signs but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. On Him God the Father has placed His seal of approval."

Then they asked Him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?"

Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the One He has sent."

So they asked Him, "What miraculous sign then will You give that we may see it and believe You? What will you do? Our forefathers ate the manna in the desert; as it is written: 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'"

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is He who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world."

"Sir," they said, "from now on give us this bread."

Then Jesus declared, "I am the Bread of Life. He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and he who believes in Me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen Me and still you do not believe. All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and whoever comes to Me I will never drive away. For I have come down from heaven not to do My will but to do the will of Him who sent Me. And this is the will of Him who sent Me, that I shall lose none of all that He has given Me, but raise them up at the last day. For My Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day."

- John 6:25-40

Sometimes I read through the Gospels and I get this sense that everybody living in 1st century A.D. Judea, including the 12 Apostles, was an idiot. There are so many of Jesus' lessons in the Gospels that people completely miss, even the Twelve, that I am quite often simply amazed at the infinite stretches of human stupidity.

And then I turn around and realize that I could just as easily have been a member of any of those crowds that completely missed the point, because I'm still missing the point from time to time here and now.

The crowds were already impressed by Jesus. John 6:2 says that "a great crowd of people followed Him because they saw the miraculous signs He had performed on the sick." The interest in the power of Christ was already there.

But then they ate! It seems that the crowds of Jesus' time had a lot in common with me - once the question of dinner is brought up, it doesn't matter how impressive anything else you showed me, said to me, or did for me was, because when I'm hungry, food takes precedence over all of it. But if you provide me with food, then I will remember you forever with kindness in my heart. My opinions of people who have prepared food for me are very closely tied to the quality (and quantity) of that food.

Notice how the people initially react to their miraculous dinner:

After the people saw the miraculous sign that Jesus did, they began to say, "Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world." Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make Him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by Himself.

- John 6:14-15 (emphasis added)

This crowd has been following Jesus around all day, watching Him heal the sick. There was enough buzz going around - Jesus' reputation preceded Him - that over 5,000 people showed up. They had already seen countless miracles, heard all the rumors, seen the magnetism this carpenter from Nazareth clearly exhibited wherever He went... But it wasn't until He gave everybody dinner that they went off the handle. I can see it now:

Crowd person #1: "So, what do you think of Jesus?"

Crowd person #2: "Well, I think He's onto something. He cured my father-in-law's gangrene, so that's kinda neat, I guess..."

Crowd person #1: "Yeah... I dunno. I like Him as a PERSON and everything, but I don't know if I can really get behind His message, you know?"

Andrew, the Apostle: "Hey guys, here's your fish and bread."

Crowd person #2: "Whaaaaat? Where'd this come from?"

Andrew, the Apostle: "Oh, Jesus miraculously made it for you. Enjoy! He already said the blessing, so you can just dig in."

Crowd person #2: "I don't care what anybody says, I am personally going to march on Rome RIGHT NOW and put Jesus in charge. This is happening. I am so serious."

Crowd person #1: "I WOULD TACKLE AN ENTIRE LEGION OF ROMAN SOLDIERS WITH NOTHING BUT MY SANDALS TO MAKE JESUS KING."

Crowd person #2: "LET US DO THIS THING!"

It seems silly, doesn't it? (I've been sleeping a lot today, so I'll admit that my sense of silly might be a little off-balance.)

But when they finally catch up to Jesus, He calls them out on it, saying, "Look - you're not coming after Me because I was healing the sick, you're here because I gave you holy Filet-O-Fish sandwiches yesterday and you can't think past your stomachs. Don't focus on where your next meal will come from - focus on where the meaning of the life sustained by those meals comes from. Don't just follow Me because I can make your stomachs full, follow Me because I can make your LIFE full!"

The crowd was right to follow Jesus. And they weren't really wrong to follow Him because He provided them with food - after all, the Israelites wandering in the wilderness were miraculously fed by God, Jesus was feeding them miraculously... Maybe the guy had something to say!

But what Jesus tells them when they finally catch up to Him is that if all they're looking for is their next meal, the thing that sustains them, the thing that just lets them get by, then they are completely missing the point.

Two posts ago, I wrote about how my renewed dedication to studying the Bible and encountering God were both birthed out of a broken heart. I was turning to God, turning to the Bible, in efforts to turn away from my pain.

I'm currently looking for a church to work with. In fact, I'm driving up to Illinois on Saturday to teach class and deliver a sermon for the congregation in Marshall. For over a month now, I've been studying the story of Jephthah in Judges 10-11, carefully reading the text over and over, seeking out the opinions of people I respect and love, trying to forge something that I can relate from the pulpit, something that would be a strong presentation of my knowledge and understanding of Scripture. I was spending a lot of time with the Bible, but all that time was spent focusing on my sermon, my job, my future.

I've been spending a lot of time with God lately. I've been praying, meditating, studying, reading, sharing, thinking, and all sorts of other perfect progressive tense verbs more than at any other point in my life. It's been good.

But it's also been focused on the wrong thing.

I turned to God to get away from the pain of my broken heart, not to get away from the sin of my broken soul. I turned to God to find a secure job and a paycheck for my future, not to find the job He has already secured for me in His Kingdom.

I have been focused on God, but I've been using Him. I've been seeking God because it served my ends, because it bettered my life. But I kinda think that's missing the point.

I kinda think I'm supposed to seek God because He's God.

So here again I find myself looking into the infinite stretches of the unknown that stands before me, placing my hope, my trust, and my very life into the hands of the One who created Life, the Universe, and Everything...

...and waiting to see where He takes me next.

My Two Very Small Copper Coins' Worth

Mark 12:41-44 -

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

Throughout the Bible, God makes it pretty plain that He likes poor people. The ones who are down at the bottom, barely getting by, have a special place in the Heart of God, it seems. Under the Law, God's people were told to care for the poor among them, even if they were foreigners. When God delivered Jesus to the Earth, He chose Nazareth, a little pitstop so insignificant, so looked down upon, that the apostle Nathanael, upon learning the hometown of the Messiah, asked, "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" (John 1:46)

But what is it about the poor that affords a special place in the Eyes of the Creator? What does it tell us about God when Jesus tells us that the poor widow's seemingly insignificant contribution outweighed the vast sums of the rich?

That last sentence from Jesus explains it all - "They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything - all she had to live on."

This is why Jesus tells us that the rich will have such a hard time getting into Heaven. It's harder for somebody who's got a whole bunch of stuff to get rid of it all. When you've only got one shoebox full of stuff to your name, getting rid of it all isn't as much of a challenge. This is also why the "poor in spirit" are the ones who will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. When your spirit has already given up - or lost - everything else that stands in the way of its focus on God, He becomes a whole lot easier to get sight of.

Jesus makes it easy, doesn't He? Well, OK... No... "Easy" is the wrong word... Plain. He makes it plain. Time and time again, Jesus spells it out, and it's pretty simple to understand. The only thing God wants from you, the only thing that God will accept from you... is everything.

And that's kinda hard, isn't it?

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them He said:

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be My disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be My disciple.

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be My disciple."

- Luke 14:25-33

Again, Jesus makes it plain. If you're not in it all the way, you're not in it at all. There are plenty of times where Jesus spells this out - when speaking to the church at Laodicea, through John, in the book of Revelation, He tells us that being lukewarm is worse than being hot or cold, and the synoptic gospels all contain variations on the phrase, "He who is not with me is against me."

The thing is... Deciding to take on Christianity isn't like ordering one of those multi-volume CD sets off of TV. You can't "keep only the ones you want" or "cancel at anytime" and expect everything to work out. (Also, there's no Dokken.)

So how are we supposed to take all of this "hate" speech? Hate my mother? Hate my father? My sister? Myself? Doesn't that invalidate "Love your neighbor as yourself"?

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

- Matthew 10:37-39

Well, I guess I just answered my own set of entirely rhetorical questions... But I think it's worth noting that Luke's account still uses the word "hate," and that's still... Yeah, that's still really hard to handle, isn't it?

Here's how I think about it: my favorite movie of all time is Ghostbusters. I've seen it more times than I could possibly count, I've got the whole thing memorized, and I still bust a gut laughing every single time I watch it. I have never said no to watching Ghostbusters when somebody else asks, but at the same time, it's not the only movie I'll ever watch. Yes, it is far and away the winner, but sometimes I'm really in the mood for Blade Runner. Just because I'm watching Blade Runner doesn't mean I don't still love Ghostbusters, does it? Of course not.

But what if I could only choose one movie to watch for the rest of my life?

Well, I guess I would never see the "tears in the rain" monologue again, because Ghostbusters would win that fight in a heartbeat.

That example seems silly, because it only takes two hours to watch a movie, and there's nothing stopping us from watching all the movies we can manage to fit in. But I hope it still illustrates the point. Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies of all time. It's seriously in the top five. But compared to Ghostbusters...? I might as well hate it. I might as well have never seen it. It might as well not exist.

I love my parents. I love my sister. But compared to Jesus? They're nothing.

I kinda like being alive. It has its moments, at least. But compared to Jesus? I am such an insignificant mote of dust, barely a speck of existence, a fleeting thought in the mind of the Creator.

So if ever it came down to choosing between my family and my Savior... Jesus says I have to hate my family. If it ever came down to choosing between my own life and my Savior... Jesus says I even have to hate my own life.

Taking up the cross is not exercise. Jesus took up His cross and then died on it. That wasn't a surprise. When the Roman soldiers shoved the big, heavy cross onto His back, there was no mistaking what it was for. He knew that this was to be the instrument of His torture, His execution.

Carrying your cross means you know that you are going to face humiliation. Carrying your cross means you know that you are going to be persecuted. Carrying your cross means you know that your life is over, that you are dead, that nothing will ever be the same.

Carrying your cross means giving up everything.

Even down to the last two very small copper coins.

And that is a TERRIBLY frightening thing. It's a terribly HARD thing. It's so against everything that we feel makes up who we are. A complete denial of the self is so mind-bogglingly difficult because our selves are kind of a big deal to us! They're the only things we really know!

And it is in that fear, in that moment of realization that following Christ means being willing to sacrifice everything that makes up who we are, that Jesus comes in with one of my favorite verses in all of the Bible... Matthew, chapter 10, verse 39: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

Jesus is telling us - in the plainest words that He can possibly use for a concept that is so absolutely foreign and incomprehensible, down to contradicting our very instincts for self-preservation and survival - that the only way life works is by following Him to the point of death. Not to the point of tears, not to the point of pain, and not to the point of the threat of death. But to death. To the very loss of our own lives.

Because when we die to ourselves, when we have finally, with God's help, slain the creature of sinful nature and replaced it with the Spirit of Pure, True, and Holy Love, then we will understand the full reality and awesome presence of God. That is when we will truly understand what "life" is, because we will be wholly absorbed into the all-encompassing holiness of the Creator and Sustainer of all Life. And that is something I cannot wait to experience.

So I say we'd best get busy dying.

Letting Go and Letting God (orig. posted to Facebook)

This was originally posted to my Facebook account on November 24, 2009.

I am scared to death.

I don't have a job, and every job I've applied for has either said no or just said nothing. That, of course, means I'm broke, and what's this? Oh, good, my student loans are coming in. I'm trying to get deferments, but - like so many other things in our modern world - relying on the accuracy of an automated phone system is, at best, atrocious.

I don't have any idea what I'm going to be doing next year. I've got three classes left before I finish my bachelor's degree, and the super fun part is that I haven't yet found any place close to home or online that will allow me to take those three classes without commuting for an hour both ways (done that once, DIDN'T GO WELL).

I am at so many crossroads in my life right now that I can barely remember what road I was on to begin with.

I have been through some pretty dark patches in my life before. I've been depressed to the point that I slept for at least 12, usually closer to 16, hours per day. I didn't go to class, I didn't eat but maybe four meals in an entire week, and the only social interaction I ever had was when people would come to my room to play poker. I was there for two solid months. It was hell.

I've dealt with paranoia so intense that I wouldn't answer my phone or my door for days at a time, no matter who was calling or knocking, because I was so convinced that whatever was on the other side was going to be the end of my life. It would kill me, whatever it was.

But even with the complete desperation and loneliness of that depression and the non-stop fear of that paranoia, I've never felt anything quite like this.

I think what happened is I finally realized just how little control I actually have over my own life.

Sure, I can decide what to eat, what to wear, where to live (sort of), how hard I apply myself, and all those other things. I can control what I do, sure. And yes, my actions will always have consequences, and I can (and do) try my best to make sure that my actions are positive so that the consequences will be positive.

But the snag is that I'm not the only thing in my life.

In fact, my life is made up of me... and then EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.

And since I only have control over me...? Man, I am in control of nothing.

There are things that I want to happen in my life that I have no control over. A church hiring me? Completely out of my hands. Finding my wife? Ain't a THING in the world I can do to hurry that up. Perfectly maintaining friendships that meant (and continue to mean) a great deal to me now that I'm in a different state than all of those friends? I can do my best, but it is still entirely out of my control.

And that is scary.

People are complicated things. We were made that way, so don't try to fight it too much. That's where I get into trouble. I get tangled up in my mind and wind up tripping over all my emotions because I'm trying too hard to make everything make sense. I want things to be a certain way, whether it's a relationship with a friend, a job, money, or whatever, and they just aren't that way, and I get upset. I get worried. I get frustrated. I get down. I let it bother me. I take it personally. I completely lose my grip on my own life getting upset about something that I never had any control over in the first place.

Well, just how in the world is that supposed to make me feel better, huh?

We like having control. We like things making sense in our worldview. We like patterns and predictability. It all makes us feel safe.

So when we lose our control - what precious little we have - it turns our world upside down. When we realize that our control doesn't extend as far as we thought it did, it shakes us.

And that's exactly where God, in His infinite bigness, wants us.

See, here's the thing... You may think you're in control, but you're not.

You may think you've got it figured out, but you don't.

You may think you can make it on your own, but you can't.

If you don't have God, you don't have anything.

And when you actually do have God, He is the only thing you actually need.

You're no doubt familiar with the story of Abraham being told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac in Genesis 22. Abraham was ready to plunge that knife deep into the heart of his son, not knowing why he was told to do so, just knowing that God told him to do it. And since you know that part of the story, you know that God stopped him before he killed Isaac and congratulated Abraham for passing the test. In verse 12, God says, "Now I know that you fear God because you have not withheld from Me your son, your only son." So, you know... Good for Abraham. He was told to sacrifice his son, and he was going to, and then he was told not to hurt the kid at all, because it was just a test, and he passed with flying colors.

Good for Abraham, but what about me and you?

Do you think Abraham was just all chillaxed about knifing his boy? Do you think he was just rollin' up the mountain whistling a merry tune when his son asked him, "Uhhh, Dad? Aren't we supposed to... isn't there a lamb or a goat or something involved in this whole sacrifice process?"

OF COURSE NOT!

Abraham LOVED his son! He had to be scared senseless. He had to be confused. He had to be wondering HOW IN THE WORLD God was going to make this whole thing work out.

But he was willing to make the sacrifice anyway.

So what about me and you?

God has to be the most important thing in your life if you're going to follow Him. He can't be number two to ANYTHING. It doesn't work. There's a reason that rule made the top ten list.

And is that hard to do? VERY. God is asking a LOT from us. More than we sometimes remember. In Matthew 10:37-39, Jesus drops one of the absolute hardest passages in the entire Bible:

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

So there it is. That's all Jesus asks of you: everything. If you aren't willing to sacrifice your family in order to pursue God, you're not getting it done. If you aren't willing to take up a lifestyle that is guaranteed to bring pain in order to pursue God, you're not doing it right. If you aren't willing to completely deny yourself and completely sacrifice everything you are, have, and want in order to become what God created you to be, then you're never going to see how much God can accomplish in your life.

I don't want to let go of all the things in my life. I want to hold on to them. I want to hold on to people. I want to hold on to my lifestyle. I want to hold on to my stuff.

But... I've decided I want God more.

So I've got to let go.

Will the sacrifice of my own life, my own desires, leave me completely abandoned? I sure hope not. But it could. Will God take everything from me, leave me penniless, homeless and alone in this world, with nothing and no one to lean on but Him? If He has to, sure. If that's what it takes to make me what He wants me to be.

But could He just as easily fulfill my hopes beyond a level I ever thought possible? Sure. Could He send me to a church tomorrow and into the arms of my future wife the day after that? Definitely. He might even do a two-for-one and make it happen on the same day. I don't know.

But I do know that the only way I will ever find out is if I actually let go.

And I am scared to death.