I am scared to death.
I don't have a job, and every job I've applied for has either said no or just said nothing. That, of course, means I'm broke, and what's this? Oh, good, my student loans are coming in. I'm trying to get deferments, but - like so many other things in our modern world - relying on the accuracy of an automated phone system is, at best, atrocious.
I don't have any idea what I'm going to be doing next year. I've got three classes left before I finish my bachelor's degree, and the super fun part is that I haven't yet found any place close to home or online that will allow me to take those three classes without commuting for an hour both ways (done that once, DIDN'T GO WELL).
I am at so many crossroads in my life right now that I can barely remember what road I was on to begin with.
I have been through some pretty dark patches in my life before. I've been depressed to the point that I slept for at least 12, usually closer to 16, hours per day. I didn't go to class, I didn't eat but maybe four meals in an entire week, and the only social interaction I ever had was when people would come to my room to play poker. I was there for two solid months. It was hell.
I've dealt with paranoia so intense that I wouldn't answer my phone or my door for days at a time, no matter who was calling or knocking, because I was so convinced that whatever was on the other side was going to be the end of my life. It would kill me, whatever it was.
But even with the complete desperation and loneliness of that depression and the non-stop fear of that paranoia, I've never felt anything quite like this.
I think what happened is I finally realized just how little control I actually have over my own life.
Sure, I can decide what to eat, what to wear, where to live (sort of), how hard I apply myself, and all those other things. I can control what I do, sure. And yes, my actions will always have consequences, and I can (and do) try my best to make sure that my actions are positive so that the consequences will be positive.
But the snag is that I'm not the only thing in my life.
In fact, my life is made up of me... and then EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.
And since I only have control over me...? Man, I am in control of nothing.
There are things that I want to happen in my life that I have no control over. A church hiring me? Completely out of my hands. Finding my wife? Ain't a THING in the world I can do to hurry that up. Perfectly maintaining friendships that meant (and continue to mean) a great deal to me now that I'm in a different state than all of those friends? I can do my best, but it is still entirely out of my control.
And that is scary.
People are complicated things. We were made that way, so don't try to fight it too much. That's where I get into trouble. I get tangled up in my mind and wind up tripping over all my emotions because I'm trying too hard to make everything make sense. I want things to be a certain way, whether it's a relationship with a friend, a job, money, or whatever, and they just aren't that way, and I get upset. I get worried. I get frustrated. I get down. I let it bother me. I take it personally. I completely lose my grip on my own life getting upset about something that I never had any control over in the first place.
Well, just how in the world is that supposed to make me feel better, huh?
We like having control. We like things making sense in our worldview. We like patterns and predictability. It all makes us feel safe.
So when we lose our control - what precious little we have - it turns our world upside down. When we realize that our control doesn't extend as far as we thought it did, it shakes us.
And that's exactly where God, in His infinite bigness, wants us.
See, here's the thing... You may think you're in control, but you're not.
You may think you've got it figured out, but you don't.
You may think you can make it on your own, but you can't.
If you don't have God, you don't have anything.
And when you actually do have God, He is the only thing you actually need.
You're no doubt familiar with the story of Abraham being told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac in Genesis 22. Abraham was ready to plunge that knife deep into the heart of his son, not knowing why he was told to do so, just knowing that God told him to do it. And since you know that part of the story, you know that God stopped him before he killed Isaac and congratulated Abraham for passing the test. In verse 12, God says, "Now I know that you fear God because you have not withheld from Me your son, your only son." So, you know... Good for Abraham. He was told to sacrifice his son, and he was going to, and then he was told not to hurt the kid at all, because it was just a test, and he passed with flying colors.
Good for Abraham, but what about me and you?
Do you think Abraham was just all chillaxed about knifing his boy? Do you think he was just rollin' up the mountain whistling a merry tune when his son asked him, "Uhhh, Dad? Aren't we supposed to... isn't there a lamb or a goat or something involved in this whole sacrifice process?"
OF COURSE NOT!
Abraham LOVED his son! He had to be scared senseless. He had to be confused. He had to be wondering HOW IN THE WORLD God was going to make this whole thing work out.
But he was willing to make the sacrifice anyway.
So what about me and you?
God has to be the most important thing in your life if you're going to follow Him. He can't be number two to ANYTHING. It doesn't work. There's a reason that rule made the top ten list.
And is that hard to do? VERY. God is asking a LOT from us. More than we sometimes remember. In Matthew 10:37-39, Jesus drops one of the absolute hardest passages in the entire Bible:
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
So there it is. That's all Jesus asks of you: everything. If you aren't willing to sacrifice your family in order to pursue God, you're not getting it done. If you aren't willing to take up a lifestyle that is guaranteed to bring pain in order to pursue God, you're not doing it right. If you aren't willing to completely deny yourself and completely sacrifice everything you are, have, and want in order to become what God created you to be, then you're never going to see how much God can accomplish in your life.
I don't want to let go of all the things in my life. I want to hold on to them. I want to hold on to people. I want to hold on to my lifestyle. I want to hold on to my stuff.
But... I've decided I want God more.
So I've got to let go.
Will the sacrifice of my own life, my own desires, leave me completely abandoned? I sure hope not. But it could. Will God take everything from me, leave me penniless, homeless and alone in this world, with nothing and no one to lean on but Him? If He has to, sure. If that's what it takes to make me what He wants me to be.
But could He just as easily fulfill my hopes beyond a level I ever thought possible? Sure. Could He send me to a church tomorrow and into the arms of my future wife the day after that? Definitely. He might even do a two-for-one and make it happen on the same day. I don't know.
But I do know that the only way I will ever find out is if I actually let go.
And I am scared to death.
No comments:
Post a Comment