Unrequited Love and the Desperate Search for Holiness, part II

In my last post, I talked about how we can relate a bit to God when we feel the incredible pains of unrequited love. The single greatest pain I've ever gone through in my life to this point is knowing that I love a girl enough to move mountains for her, and it goes unappreciated. And man, that's awful.

God feels the same thing when somebody chooses a life that doesn't have Him at the center. All God wants from us is our love. Loving God carries with it a certain code of conduct, but the code of conduct is pretty easy, because once you truly love God, you start to understand - even though it's still in an infinitely small way - how much God truly loves you, as well as the rest of mankind. Once you understand God's love for mankind, you start to spread that love around, too.

On my last post, Robin had a comment that perfectly sets up what I want to talk about in this post.

"If you love me you will feed my sheep."

How can we love everyone without liking everyone? Sure, God is crazy about us because he gave us life and we're his creation, but how can we become head-over-heels crazy about every living person?

Feed his sheep, heal his world, live, love, die?

In "Mere Christianity" - which is really just an outstanding book, and I heartily recommend it to anyone who wants to challenge their own way of thinking, Christian or not - C. S. Lewis hits on this very idea. He says that it's very important that we not confuse liking someone with loving someone, even though it is very natural for us to like a lot of the people that we love, and love a lot of the people we like. Within that, then, it's necessary to understand that we are not called to like everybody. It's simply impossible to do.

It is, however, entirely possible to love people without liking them.

There's a guy I used to hang out with a lot that I really just don't like.

And the thing is, even though we saw each other pretty often, I never really did like him. I tried to. He's a decent enough guy. He isn't hostile towards anybody, at least that I've ever seen. He's generous. He'd give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He genuinely tries to be pleasant and conversational with people no matter where he is. That's something I don't do very well, but he's pretty good at it.

I just don't like him.

Like I said, we used to hang out quite a bit. Almost every day for a few months. Then it just got to a point where I was constantly cranky when he showed up. It wasn't that he was knocking over my DVD shelf or leaving my fridge open or any other minor aggravation like that, it was just him. The way he talks, the way he thinks, the way he acts... It all drove me completely crazy. And most of my other friends got along with him just fine!

So I finally got to a point where I decided that the best thing for both of us was to just not hang out anymore.

Now... Is that love?

I think it is. As far as me and that guy are concerned, at least. Because the alternative - at least then and still now - was for us to continue hanging out and for me to continue being a jerk when he was around. The guy got under my skin, and for no real reason other than simply being himself! So when he was around, I'd make fun of him. Sometimes it'd be out in the open, sometimes it'd be real sarcastic and subtle, where I knew (or at least hoped) he wouldn't pick it up, but other people would. I'd get mad at him for doing things that my other friends could do with no problem, just because he was the one doing them. I'd get mad at him for not knowing things that I had no right in the world to expect him to know just because he was hanging out with me.

And so, in the best interest of loving him - caring for him more than I care for myself, treating him like I would want to be treated - I just stopped hanging out with him altogether.

I was mean to him! And I liked it! I enjoyed making fun of this guy. It was easy! So I had to cut it out. I had to show him the same dignity I would have wanted shown to myself. Being around him meant I was mean to him, so in order to not be mean to him, I had to not be around him.

So now... I don't make fun of him as much. And I never do it to his face. Do I need to quit making fun of him altogether? Sure do. Working on it. But I'm doing better than I was.

Will I ever mature to a point where I can hang out with this guy again and not be a jerk towards him? Well... I don't want to doubt the transformative powers of the Holy Spirit in my life, so I'll just say "probably not anytime soon."

Is my example the single way showing how to love someone you don't like? Goodness, no. I took the easy way out. Specifically, the way out. Just out altogether.

But like I said, it helped. Now, when I do see him... I'm nicer. I still don't like him, and I still have to fight like crazy to not completely berate him at every turn when he's around, but it's an easier fight.

So how do we love people we don't like? I think the answer still lies in the words of Christ, from Matthew 7:12:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

People are different. Sometimes we just don't get along. Sometimes we don't get along to such an extreme that it becomes difficult for us to even be in the same room.

But if we do to them what we want them to do to us, we'll be in good shape. If what we want them to do to us is simply leave us alone, do that for them, and I promise you, you'll get along just fine.

And if that sounds a bit too isolationist... Well... I'm sorry. Sometimes you just have to avoid certain people until you learn enough about love from your other relationships in order to do better with people you don't like. Sometimes you have to be isolated for a little while. Sometimes you have to be alone in order to learn what your function with people really is.

Never give up on God's ability - as well as His patience and desire - to transform you into the person He knows you can be. It will take time, it will take effort, and it will take pain. But God can use anything in our lives to help us see Him more clearly. Even people we don't like.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

- I John 4:7-12