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I'm sorry.

That's all I've got.

I've apologized to God, and now I'm apologizing to you. If you think for a second that this could possibly be directed towards you, it is. If I have in any way wronged you - to your knowledge, to your face, or to your liking or not - I really am sorry.

I've turned off comments on this post because I want you to know that anything you have to say will be between me and you, so please, get in touch. If you're reading this... Yes, it really is you I'm talking to.

I have recognized a few things about myself that I don't like. Trying to fix them.

I'll be back next week with the stuff I said I was gonna have this week last week.

And I love every one of you.

Non-Emo Addendum: Friday, July 2, 2010, 2:33 PM

So... Repentance. Obviously something I've been dealing with this week...

It's pretty amazing how God works in me sometimes. I'm sure it's amazing how He works in you as well, but I can't see that the way I can see this.

I made a few "small" mistakes a short while ago... I thought they were harmless, just natural extensions of the unique experience that is Aaron J. Rushton. Turns out the "small" mistakes were actually "outrageously huge" offenses! Well... Awesome.

I am a pretty good guy... at least 80-85% of the time. Maybe all the way up to 90%. On a good day.

But that 10-20% margin of error still really gets me in trouble sometimes. I feel like a prisoner to my temptations. It's like I'm defined by this one thing I can't get my mind off of. And it feels like this ONE thing... this one struggle, this one temptation... is robbing me of ALL of my righteousness. I am so caught up in this ONE sin that I can't do a single good thing, one righteous thing, to balance it out, to cancel it, to redeem myself... Nothing.

I am a creature of sin, tied like Prometheus to the rock of my passions, torn apart every day by the unending assault of Satan's winged messengers, with their razor-sharp talons and beaks like meat cleavers.

Don't read too much into that.

But what's amazing about this whole thing isn't that I was convicted of my sin and decided to repent after I'd been confronted with what I'd done. When I was confronted with what I'd done, I issued a half-hearted apology and chalked it up to, "Hey, you can't please everybody."

And that was really bad.

God definitely has a sense of drama. He knows how to weave plotlines together like none other. Even the Coen Brothers aren't this good. As I continued to ignore my guilt, God let me take a look into the horrifying consequences of the same sin I was dealing with and how it has affected other people's lives, running unchecked. My "small" mistake was a step on that road, and I realized that I was much farther down that road than I wanted to be.

I know that I have been created by God with certain desires, but if I'm letting those desires make my decisions for me instead of aiming for the purposes God had in mind when He created those desires... well, then I'm just in a bad place, a slave to my own weakness. Again... a prisoner.

But this is not where the story ends. This is where things actually start to get really interesting.

In repentance, in true, genuine, heartfelt contrition, there is an unbelievable release. I kinda think God's got something to do with that one, too.

Through repentance, we open ourselves up so God can free us from our own prison. In sincere penitence, we lay down enough of our pride, enough of our self-reality, to accept a bit more of the only True thing in this existence. Jesus wasn't joking when He said "...the Truth will set you free." (John 8:32)

I messed up. Really bad. I hurt several people that I genuinely care about, and others... well, they might not know I did anything wrong to them, but I did it just the same.

I'm still really sorry. I'm still addressing this to every single one of you. And I still love you all.

Love, Reign O'er Me

So we're supposed to boldly Love everyone around us, right? God showed us His love by sending His Son to die, and continues to show His Love through the Spirit, through the countless wonders and blessings He shows us every single day, and - most important to us - through His people. I say it's the most important to us because we are the Body of Christ, the living manifestation of God's Will on this earth. So let's live up to it!

Love that YOU are showing the world, if you bear the name Christian, is the Love of Christ in the world today. When YOU are kind, gracious and patient with the kid at the cash register (no matter how many times you have to say "A number two with Coke, add cheese"), Jesus Christ is being kind, gracious and patient. When YOU go out of your way to help someone in need, the Son of Man is going out of His way to help someone. When YOU take the Love that the Author and Finisher of our faith has shown you and give it to the rest of the world, you have fulfilled not only your purpose, but also the very purpose of Christ Himself. In showing Love, you take on the likeness of Christ, and so show Him to the entire world.

And in that, most beloved reader, you will find a wholly powerful salvation, transformation, and redefinition of your soul, of your heart, of your mind... of everything that makes you who you are.

We are imperfect creatures, born into an imperfect world. In our walk towards God, sometimes we stumble. Sometimes we stumble hard. Sometimes we stumble hard over the same thing, several times. And when that happens enough, sometimes we get to a place where we don't think it's ever possible for us to get past that thing, over that thing, or around that thing without stumbling.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the failures of the past that we begin to think that those failures define us. We start to think that our sins are bigger than we are. We start to think that our sins are who we are.

We start to think that God will forgive a lot... but He won't forgive me. I've just sinned too much.

We start to think that God loves everyone... but surely He's had just about enough out of me. I commit the same sin over and over.

We start to think that even though God created the entirety of existence, stands completely outside of time itself, and is aware of the flight of every sparrow and the blooming of every flower... even though He's God... He can't change me. I'm just too broken for God to use.

I gotta admit... I used to think that way. I used to be trapped in my arrogant, cynical, negative, cruelly sarcastic and downright mean self, convinced that the jerk that I was was the jerk I would always be. I put on the happy face (occasionally) and suppressed my inner butt-head (on a good day) and struggled through acting the part of the nice Christian boy.

But then I found out what it was like to really Love someone. I found that really showing someone Love - even if it isn't returned the way I want it to be - makes me enjoy my life more. I realized - through no wisdom of my own, but rather through the education that came from painful experience - that when I finally made Love an active part of my life, everything worked better. Now, that doesn't mean everything worked out the way I wanted it to, and it doesn't mean that I was (or am) always consistent in showing that Love across the board to everyone I came in contact with. Yeah, I still mess up. Yeah, I still have instances of being a sheer, unmitigated... ummm... I'm having a really hard time coming up with an accurate description here that isn't profanity, but I think you get the idea.

But the thing is - it's not who I am anymore. It's not what defines me. It's not what I have to base my life around - I have been set free. Through the Grace and Love of Jesus Christ, who reconciled me to His Almighty Father through the power of the Holy Spirit, I have been transformed into a new man.

And I'm not the only one.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20 (emphasis added)

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. In Him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, having been buried with Him in baptism and raised with Him through your faith in the power of God, who raised Him from the dead.

- Colossians 2:6-12 (emphases added)

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that One died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

- II Corinthians 5:14-19 (emphasis added)

Martha said, "Master, if you'd been here, my brother wouldn't have died. Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you."

Jesus said, "Your brother will be raised up."

Martha replied, "I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time."

"You don't have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?"

"Yes, Master. All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God who comes into the world."

- John 11:21-27, The Message (emphasis added)

In my personal reading the other day, I tore through the first 12 chapters of John's Gospel from The Message. John 11 is mostly the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I already knew that story, and knew it well. Or, at least, I knew what happened. I've heard the story from the pulpit, I've read it in the Bible, I've seen it re-enacted on feltboards... Got the gist!

And maybe it was just the way my day had gone, or maybe it was the way my whole life had gone up to that point, but when I started reading chapter 11, I was getting pretty choked up. When I got to verses 25 and 26 (the ones in bold), I was literally wiping away tears and holding back sobs.

The true power of the message of John 11 isn't just that Jesus holds mastery over the physical life and death, it is that He has the power to give you Life right now.

People, I'm not telling you anything I've come to on my own, I'm not making any of this up, and I'm not bringing you any sort of exclusive vision of wisdom.

I'm just telling you the Truth.

The power of the Love of Jesus Christ is not confined merely to the forgiveness of your sins. The Love of Christ frees you from your sins!

They're GONE!

ALL OF THEM!

FOREVER!

He does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is His love for those who fear Him;

as far as the East is from the West,

so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

- Psalm 103:10-12

You will again have compassion on us;

you will tread our sins underfoot

and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

- Micah 7:19

I, even I, Am He who blots out

your transgressions, for My own sake,

and remembers your sins no more.

- Isaiah 43:25

For I will forgive their wickedness

and will remember their sins no more.

- Hebrews 8:12, quoting Jeremiah 31:34

So if God isn't holding your sins against you... If God - the one whom you sinned against! - has moved past your sins... If God - the very definition of the righteousness we are aiming for - isn't letting your sin define you... Who in the world are you to argue with that?

I could have stayed focused on my definition of myself as a self-centered jerk. But instead, I let Jesus Christ teach me what life is like when I die to myself and live in Him.

And I'm telling you... if a thick-skulled clod like me can do it... so can you.

You can let go of your past.

You can ignore what the world says makes you who you are, and you can embrace what God says makes you who you are.

You can stop viewing yourself through the lens of your failures, your shortcomings, your sins, your struggles... and you can start seeing yourself in the light of GRACE! In the light of TRUTH! In the light of LOVE!

You can stop living your life as a sinner and start living your life as a saint - BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE!

Jesus doesn't just offer you the gift of eternal life later... He's offering you a HOLY life NOW! He can change you! He wants to change you! He wants to show you how to Love others like He Loves you! He wants to show you how to Love God like He Loves God! He wants to step into your heart and tear down your pride, tear down your fear, tear down your insistence that your sin is beyond His reach, that your life is outside of His care, that your future is not part of His plan.

I wish I could be with you (yes, YOU) right now. I wish I could be there with you as you read this. I wish I could be there, because I figure you're probably going to have one of three reactions.

Reaction #1 - You're going to smile and thank God that you've been redeemed, looking back on your past life before Christ transformed you, and you're going to want to shout it from the mountaintops that God is still working wonders in this world today. And I want to be there because I want to shout with you.

- or -

Reaction #2 - You're going to feel a rush of emotions - guilt, joy, pain, happiness, sadness, excitement - all coming together at once as you start to realize that what I'm telling you is true, that God really has forgiven you, that He is just waiting to show you a completely new life in Him, that even you can escape the gravity of your sins - no matter how terrible and dark you think they are! - to live a better life, and that realization is probably gonna make you cry. I know it made me cry, and I want to be there because I want to cry with you.

- or -

Reaction #3 - You're going to feel a twinge of hope, and you're going to think that maybe - juuuuuuuuuuust maybe - I'm talking to you, and that maybe God really will forgive all of your sins, and that you really can have a life that isn't defined by your past... but then Satan whispers in your ear, and tells you that your sins are too big, too many, too frequent, too deep-rooted into who you are, and you're tempted to give up. And I want to be there because I want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you until your nose bleeds, screaming the whole time, "HEY, DUMMY! JESUS DIED FOR YOU! GOD LOVES YOU!" (I fully realize this might not be the most effective method of evangelism, but seriously - you need to get this. It is important, and there will be a quiz at the end.)

I'm a big fan of #1. I'm an even bigger fan of #2. I do not much care for #3.

For those of you experiencing "Reaction #2" - trust me, it only gets better. God is going to show you something pretty amazing. Just keep your eyes open and firmly fixed on Him.

And for those of you who fall into "Reaction #1" category... I have a huge favor to ask of you. In the comment form below this post, if you would please, leave your story. Tell the world what God has done for you. Share what He has worked in you that others might know that He can still work in them.

I say this because it is true, and it is true only because God changed me: I love you.

How Do You Not Get This?

You can ask anybody who really hung out with me when I had my (completely awesome) apartment back in Searcy... Pink Floyd's Live at Pompeii was a thing. I would say that it's entirely probable that there were stretches in that year where the boys and I watched Pompeii at least once a week. And it wasn't just so much that we were all so eager to experience it again (even though there were definitely never complaints from any of us), it was just that every time we turned around and realized that another of our friends had never had Live at Pompeii happen to them yet... Well... We just had to fix that mess, immediately!

Apparently Live at Pompeii struck my friend Lane's resonant tone. He just DUG IT. Got big into the Pink Floyd. Actually had Pompeii on his iPod when he went to Europe over the summer and got to listen to the whole thing in the same ancient Roman amphitheatre where the show was recorded, in Pompeii. I envy him on so many levels for that.

I have been known to say that I would break up with a girl for the Beatles, and this is an entirely accurate statement. It's not so much that the Beatles have to be her favorite band or anything - they're not my favorite band. It's just that there are some ground rules for what constitutes "good music" as far as I'm concerned, and if a girl can't at least get on board with Revolver or Abbey Road, then we just ain't gonna have a whole lot of common ground to work with as far as music goes, and - call me a jerk if you must - I'm just passionate enough about tunes that I can't have a woman that doesn't get "She Said She Said" and really expect her to get me. It is just a thing that is.

Back in August I gave my friend Rebecca a copy of Revolver, which was her first exposure to the Fab Four... She is now a bigger Beatles fan than I am.

The other night my buddy Will and I met up for a few oat sodas and barley pops. Right about the time we were letting "Albatross" by the original Peter Green-era Fleetwood Mac do all of its good stuff to our ears, I looked over at him and said, "Man... I just don't get how Rory Gallagher doesn't completely blow your mind. I know you like Peter Green, I know you like Jimmy Page, I know you like Eric Clapton... How does Rory not grab you?"

He looked at me for a second with a puzzled expression and said that he honestly couldn't recall ever having been exposed to Rory Gallagher. Now... that just ain't so. I know I'd played Rory for him - I've played Rory for everybody who'll let me. When I first heard Rory Gallagher about two years ago, I completely lost my mind. But when I first played Rory for Will, he just wasn't impressed. It didn't grab him, and I could not possibly wrap my mind around that.

But he said that he was willing to listen to it again. So once we hit the road, I fired up Rory Gallagher on the ol' iPod and cranked it up good and loud.

This time, Will got it.

After we'd parted ways, I got a text message from him which read, "I apologize for ever claiming that this is anything but epic."

He got Rory Gallagher.

All I did was turn it on for him.

Rebecca got the Beatles.

All I did was turn it on for her.

Lane got Pink Floyd.

All I did was turn it on for him.

Now why in the world can I not do the same thing for my God and Savior?

I fully realize that there's a bit of difference between introducing someone to a band or an album and introducing someone to Christianity. It takes an hour to watch Live at Pompeii, thirty-five minutes to listen to Revolver, and somewhere in the neighborhood of ten seconds for Rory Gallagher to completely wreck your mind.

But how long does it take to show someone the picture of Christ in my life? At what point in my friendships do I say, "Hey, wait, you're telling me you're not a Christian? Dude! You have no idea what you're missing! We gotta fix that RIGHT NOW!"

I can't help but think back to what I talked about last week with the guy driving by and verbally assaulting me and the guys with the Gospel... I really don't think that approach works, and I would be surprised to learn if it has ever actually worked on anybody.

Even Jack Chick tracts at least make an attempt to convince audiences of their sin and its consequences, and Jack Chick tracts are unbelievably horrid.

I've had evangelism sitting on the back burner of my mind for a while now, and with all the other stuff that's been thrown in over the past few weeks, it's finally all boiling over.

Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the Feast. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, with a request. "Sir," they said, "we would like to see Jesus." Philip went to tell Andrew; Andrew and Philip in turn told Jesus.

Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves Me must follow Me; and where I am, My servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves Me.

"Now My heart is troubled, and what shall I say? 'Father, save Me from this hour'? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your Name!"

Then a voice came from heaven, "I have glorified it, and will glorify it again." The crowd that was there and heard it said it had thundered; others said an angel had spoken to Him.

Jesus said, "This voice was for your benefit, not Mine. Now is the time for judgment on this world; now the prince of this world will be driven out. But I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to Myself."

- John 12:20-32

There is a school of thought among smaller, more conservative churches - especially within the church of Christ (not like I know much about how other churches operate anyway) - that basically goes like this... A member from congregation "A" will state that if congregation B has more than X members (where X equals congregation "A" plus 15), then obviously congregation "B" is diluting the truth of the Gospel. There's no way the Gospel can possibly be presented in its full form and actually attract hordes of people. After all...

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

- Matthew 7:13-14

So - obviously - if there's "many" people at a church, then they're on the broad road to the wide gate of destruction, and the sign of a good church is that "few" people are there, since it's the narrow road and small gate.

I really hope you've never personally encountered this, but I assure you, it's real. And the saddest thing about it is that there's this underlying mentality that focuses not on the amount of people we could be bringing into the church and introducing to God and His awesome love, but instead, on keeping all the other people out, never opening up arms and hearts and homes and kitchens and minds and conversations to show people "Hey! This is what it looks like! This is what Jesus was talking about! This is how this is supposed to work!"

And the thing is... I really think that once everybody starts showing that...

Oh, man...

Then we'd just be irresistible.

Jesus said it - "...when I am lifted up from the earth [I] will draw all men to Myself."

So... Are we gonna take Jesus at His word here or what?

In the current socio-politically correct pluralistic world climate where there are no absolutes when it comes to philosophy, morality, or theology, it's kind of an unpopular position to say this, but yes, I do believe Christianity is better than every other religion on the planet.

I don't just believe it's better for me... I believe it's better than any other option out there.

And - through that - I also believe that if we were to actually show the world what Christ's message really meant, if we can get over ourselves and really love each other and love our neighbor and love God and feed the hungry and clothe the naked and care for the sick and visit the lonely and the prisoners and look after the widows and the orphans and keep ourselves from being polluted by the world...

I really think that when that happens... The whole world will get it.

I think that too often our approach to evangelism is simply to talk to people - or even shout at them - about Jesus instead of just showing them who He is by showing them who He's made us.

I can talk to you about how awesome Live at Pompeii is for longer than it takes to actually sit down and watch the thing. I can show you, literally, entire books worth of material talking about how incredible Revolver is and the impact it has had on music. I can tell you stories about the reactions I've gotten from every person I've sat down and shared Rory Gallagher with.

Or I could just sit down with you and watch Live at Pompeii. I could just play Revolver for you. I could just let you actually hear Rory Gallagher.

See, the thing is... I'm not gonna be able to represent any of those three better than they already represent themselves. It doesn't matter how much I tell you how awesome it is until you actually experience how awesome it is on your own.

So what I am attempting to do when it comes to giving you the blessing of awesome music is to just shut up, push play, and let the music do everything for me. There is nothing I can do to make what comes out of the speakers any better than it already is.

And that's how I think it's gotta be with Christ. I can't make Christ any better. I can't show you anything about Jesus that He didn't already put out as complete perfection. I can tell you about Jesus all I want, but it really doesn't matter until I show it.

Turn to Me and be saved,

all you ends of the earth;

for I am God, and there is no other.

By Myself I have sworn,

My mouth has uttered in all integrity

a word that will not be revoked:

Before Me every knee will bow;

by Me every tongue will swear.

They will say of Me, 'In the LORD alone

are righteousness and strength.' "

All who have raged against Him

will come to Him and be put to shame.

- Isaiah 45:22-24

It seems to me that there is an inevitability to the recognition of God by everyone in the history of ever. I will just go ahead and say right now that I don't understand a whole lot of the Revelation to John, but it really doesn't leave a lot of room - in my understanding - for atheism or anything else other than the absolute recognition of God and His Son.

So here's the way I see it....

Everybody's eventually going to recognize that God is real anyway. That's just gonna happen. I hold the belief that once someone experiences God, sees God, knows God... well, that's it. It's not like you've got any options after that. You can listen to Revolver and still like Abbey Road more. I don't personally understand it, but hey, it's not like I can say I don't completely love Abbey Road a whole lot anyway. But once you know God... I don't see how someone walks away from that! It's GOD! He IS Absolute Truth! He is Absolute everything! Everything that is is because He is! There aren't options! His business cards read "I AM" for a reason!

And so, we chosen, down here on the ground, are meant to serve as guideposts - no, as lights! Lamps on the tables, cities on the hills... We're meant to shine a light that shows everyone the Truth. We're meant to shine our light - which comes from God - straight back to God to show the entire world how He meant for this to all work out, how He had this planned from the beginning.

There are some folks who aren't gonna get it.

There are some folks - close friends of mine - who weren't impressed by Live at Pompeii. I still love them, but... Man... I just don't get it.

There are folks - not as many of them on the "close friend" side here - who don't dig the Beatles, whether it's Revolver or Abbey Road or anything else. I just don't get it.

There are folks out there who don't dig Rory Gallagher. I don't know that I've actually met any of them, but I'm kinda forced to assume that to be true because there are way too many people on the planet who've never heard OF Rory Gallagher, much less ever actually heard his music. I still just don't get it.

There are some folks out there who - for one reason or another - don't get God. They don't get what this is about. I think that, in most cases, the only reason people don't understand it is because they haven't actually seen it.

Yeah, they may know Christians... But they haven't known Christ's universal love.

Yeah, they may have been told the Gospel... But they haven't been shown the effect the Gospel has on someone's life.

And what's worse is that there are folks out there who - for one reason or another - almost got it, but then lost it, or walked away, or gave up, or moved on... And I still think that the only reason that ever happens is because they still haven't actually seen it.

Yeah, their parents may have taken them to church when they were kids... But I don't think they ever really experienced a connection with the Father that changed their life.

Yeah, they may have studied the Bible, may have read it all the way through, may know every word it says... But I don't think they've ever actually heard God speak to them in a way that redefined who they are.

God still works wonders in this world today without our help. He does not need us for anything. He can accomplish everything on His own just fine.

But since we're already here...

What if we started showing people what God is really all about? What if we really lived out the life Jesus prescribed for us, the way He meant it to be, not filtered through some political label or national identity or social status?

What if we completely died to ourselves and took on the very identity of Christ in this earth and spread a message of love and peace and holiness and patience and understanding and kindness and gentleness and joy and self-control and faithfulness and mercy and truth and everything else that God calls us to be?

What if I did that?

Would the people around me get it? Would it finally hit them? Would they finally see it? Would they finally go, "Oh, man! Aaron! You weren't kidding! This is awesome!" and let God change their lives the way He's changing mine?

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Drive-By Evangelism and the Good of Guilt

So I drove out to Arkansas this past weekend to visit my sister and some friends. On Thursday night, I met up with a few of the guys out at the fishing pier in Searcy.

Now, if you're not familiar with Searcy, it's kinda hard for me to explain "the dock," as it is called (even though there is no dock). It's just a nice little pier that stretches out across this little pond between the highway and a car dealership. I don't know how it is for fishing. All I know it for is what I've always used it for - a place to get away from everybody else, talking about the things you don't want to talk about in the Waffle House, occasionally spooking the ducks.

So that's where we are. And that's what we're doing. We're just standing around, cutting up, not bothering anything or anyone, just catching up. It's the first time I've seen the guys in 2 months, and we're just enjoying each other's company, when this big truck with insanely loud pipes and an insanely louder driver rolls by. Without stopping, or really even slowing down, the driver leaned out of the window - seriously, from nearly his stomach up, both shoulders fully out of the window - and bellows to us, "JESUS IS COMING SOON, REPENT AND BE BAPTIZED!"

At first, we were just stunned into silence, but after a second or two, we all started laughing. There were just so many things about that scenario that struck us as absurd.

For starters... Yeah! We all know Jesus is coming. We already did the "repent and be baptized" bit. Got it covered. Thank you for your concern, sir, but you are literally preaching to the converted.

And then, beyond that... Does this guy actually think he's reaching people with this method? Does this actually work? Is his church just packed with folks who come in off of the street saying, "Well, some guy drove by and shouted at me, so I figured he was right"?

The next day, I spent some time with another friend, and while we were hanging out, I shoved my foot so far into my mouth that I still have teeth marks on my kneecap. Everything I said made sense just before it left my lips, but once it was actually floating out in the air... Oh, man... It was ugly. Just ugly.

When I came to my senses - several hours after I should have - I felt like a big ol' flaming bag of not a very good person. I realized that I had been judgmental, arrogant, rude, and a whole bunch of other negative adjectives that apply to me far more often than I wish they did. And it absolutely tore me up. I couldn't get it out of my mind until I really apologized, but even then, I still felt like a jerk.

(And really, writing this and remembering everything, I actually still feel like a jerk even now.)

I knew I had messed up. I knew there was a problem that needed forgiveness. I took what steps I could to make sure that things were made right...

But I'm still holding on to it...

And I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing just yet.

Let me get you into my headspace with this. It'll be kind of a convoluted metaphor, but I hope you follow.

Let's say I'm down at the range doing some target shooting. I'm holding the butt of the rifle against my forehead, I've got one of my eyes closed, and I'm pulling the trigger with the big toe on my left foot. BANG! Well, I broke my glasses, I'm bleeding from the bridge of my nose, my toe is stuck in the trigger loop, and I think I just killed a cow. Not really a surprise. There's a right way to shoot a gun if you want to hit the target, and this is definitely not the right way.

Now let's say I'm at the range again, but I've got the butt of the rifle nestled firmly against the muscle of my shoulder, I've got my cheek lined up on the stock, I've got my breathing slow and steady, I've got my sights lined up, I've got my finger squeezing the trigger... BANG! Bullseye. Nailed it. Go me. Again - not really a surprise. I did it right, so I got the right results.

So if I want to be a better shot - if I want to more consistently hit the target - I've got to learn how to shoot right. There's a right way to do it, and everything that isn't that, isn't right.

It seems to me that there is an inescapable, unavoidable relationship between guilt and the Christian life. A healthy amount of guilt is necessary in order to attain salvation, and once that threshold is broken and there is a dedication to Christ, there is still a purpose for guilt. The trick is just making sure it's that "healthy amount of guilt" and not a self-inflicted beat-down.

For someone who's not yet a Christian, guilt is absolutely necessary. How else can people know that they've got sins that need forgiven if they don't feel any guilt for their sins? How can someone repent without knowing what to repent for? The recognition of guilt - the awareness of falling short of God's standards for Man's life through sin - is key to being able to accept and understand the grace of God through the redemption of Jesus Christ.

And so, to that end, you can't just drive by a group of dudes hanging out and cutting up and shout out to them that Jesus is coming and that they should repent and be baptized. There's nothing convicting in that.

But what about someone who's already a Christian? (More to the point - what about me?) What good is guilt for someone who is forgiven? What does guilt accomplish when sin is no longer held against you?

I'm not entirely sure I have a good answer for that one yet.

I believe that it would be a mistake to hold onto guilt in such a way that it impedes my acceptance of God's grace. There is no sin that I have committed or could possibly commit that cannot be washed away by God's forgiveness. So there's no point in me hanging on to something for days, weeks, years past my recognition that it was a sin and asking that God (and any people I offended) forgive me.

But I still want to do better. I still feel like I'm occasionally holding the rifle up against my forehead and firing with my toe. That's where I think guilt is still good.

I realize this may seem like a really elementary point, but it's what I had on my mind. I don't want to hold on to guilt as a burden, keeping me from fully appreciating the gift of grace, but I do want to use the guilt when it hits me to push me towards being a better Christian.

I'd like to think I've got a fairly well-adjusted moral compass. I try to base my actions on my understanding of the Spirit, Will, and Word of God. I realize I'm not perfect, and I don't think I'm holding myself to too high of a standard. But at the same time... when I get good and stupid and really mess it up, I feel terrible! Just awful all over.

So I try to learn from it. I don't always know what to learn, exactly... But I try.

I want to be better. I have a goal in mind: pure love. I want to exist as a man who is singularly dedicated to love. Love for God, which manifests itself in love for people, is my one true aim, and I regret to inform you that I fall short of that goal with alarming frequency.

I want to make it clear that I'm not wallowing in guilt. I know I've been forgiven by God. I'm pretty sure I've been forgiven by my friend. But even beyond the forgiveness, it still breaks my heart that I messed up so bad (believe me - SO BAD) with someone I really care about.

But I'd like to get to the point where it breaks my heart when I mess up with someone I don't even know.

I'd like to use my guilt to learn from my mistakes and continue my push towards being the man God wants me to be.

Please pray for me as I do this.