Now, if you're not familiar with Searcy, it's kinda hard for me to explain "the dock," as it is called (even though there is no dock). It's just a nice little pier that stretches out across this little pond between the highway and a car dealership. I don't know how it is for fishing. All I know it for is what I've always used it for - a place to get away from everybody else, talking about the things you don't want to talk about in the Waffle House, occasionally spooking the ducks.
So that's where we are. And that's what we're doing. We're just standing around, cutting up, not bothering anything or anyone, just catching up. It's the first time I've seen the guys in 2 months, and we're just enjoying each other's company, when this big truck with insanely loud pipes and an insanely louder driver rolls by. Without stopping, or really even slowing down, the driver leaned out of the window - seriously, from nearly his stomach up, both shoulders fully out of the window - and bellows to us, "JESUS IS COMING SOON, REPENT AND BE BAPTIZED!"
At first, we were just stunned into silence, but after a second or two, we all started laughing. There were just so many things about that scenario that struck us as absurd.
For starters... Yeah! We all know Jesus is coming. We already did the "repent and be baptized" bit. Got it covered. Thank you for your concern, sir, but you are literally preaching to the converted.
And then, beyond that... Does this guy actually think he's reaching people with this method? Does this actually work? Is his church just packed with folks who come in off of the street saying, "Well, some guy drove by and shouted at me, so I figured he was right"?
The next day, I spent some time with another friend, and while we were hanging out, I shoved my foot so far into my mouth that I still have teeth marks on my kneecap. Everything I said made sense just before it left my lips, but once it was actually floating out in the air... Oh, man... It was ugly. Just ugly.
When I came to my senses - several hours after I should have - I felt like a big ol' flaming bag of not a very good person. I realized that I had been judgmental, arrogant, rude, and a whole bunch of other negative adjectives that apply to me far more often than I wish they did. And it absolutely tore me up. I couldn't get it out of my mind until I really apologized, but even then, I still felt like a jerk.
(And really, writing this and remembering everything, I actually still feel like a jerk even now.)
I knew I had messed up. I knew there was a problem that needed forgiveness. I took what steps I could to make sure that things were made right...
But I'm still holding on to it...
And I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing just yet.
Let me get you into my headspace with this. It'll be kind of a convoluted metaphor, but I hope you follow.
Let's say I'm down at the range doing some target shooting. I'm holding the butt of the rifle against my forehead, I've got one of my eyes closed, and I'm pulling the trigger with the big toe on my left foot. BANG! Well, I broke my glasses, I'm bleeding from the bridge of my nose, my toe is stuck in the trigger loop, and I think I just killed a cow. Not really a surprise. There's a right way to shoot a gun if you want to hit the target, and this is definitely not the right way.
Now let's say I'm at the range again, but I've got the butt of the rifle nestled firmly against the muscle of my shoulder, I've got my cheek lined up on the stock, I've got my breathing slow and steady, I've got my sights lined up, I've got my finger squeezing the trigger... BANG! Bullseye. Nailed it. Go me. Again - not really a surprise. I did it right, so I got the right results.
So if I want to be a better shot - if I want to more consistently hit the target - I've got to learn how to shoot right. There's a right way to do it, and everything that isn't that, isn't right.
It seems to me that there is an inescapable, unavoidable relationship between guilt and the Christian life. A healthy amount of guilt is necessary in order to attain salvation, and once that threshold is broken and there is a dedication to Christ, there is still a purpose for guilt. The trick is just making sure it's that "healthy amount of guilt" and not a self-inflicted beat-down.
For someone who's not yet a Christian, guilt is absolutely necessary. How else can people know that they've got sins that need forgiven if they don't feel any guilt for their sins? How can someone repent without knowing what to repent for? The recognition of guilt - the awareness of falling short of God's standards for Man's life through sin - is key to being able to accept and understand the grace of God through the redemption of Jesus Christ.
And so, to that end, you can't just drive by a group of dudes hanging out and cutting up and shout out to them that Jesus is coming and that they should repent and be baptized. There's nothing convicting in that.
But what about someone who's already a Christian? (More to the point - what about me?) What good is guilt for someone who is forgiven? What does guilt accomplish when sin is no longer held against you?
I'm not entirely sure I have a good answer for that one yet.
I believe that it would be a mistake to hold onto guilt in such a way that it impedes my acceptance of God's grace. There is no sin that I have committed or could possibly commit that cannot be washed away by God's forgiveness. So there's no point in me hanging on to something for days, weeks, years past my recognition that it was a sin and asking that God (and any people I offended) forgive me.
But I still want to do better. I still feel like I'm occasionally holding the rifle up against my forehead and firing with my toe. That's where I think guilt is still good.
I realize this may seem like a really elementary point, but it's what I had on my mind. I don't want to hold on to guilt as a burden, keeping me from fully appreciating the gift of grace, but I do want to use the guilt when it hits me to push me towards being a better Christian.
I'd like to think I've got a fairly well-adjusted moral compass. I try to base my actions on my understanding of the Spirit, Will, and Word of God. I realize I'm not perfect, and I don't think I'm holding myself to too high of a standard. But at the same time... when I get good and stupid and really mess it up, I feel terrible! Just awful all over.
So I try to learn from it. I don't always know what to learn, exactly... But I try.
I want to be better. I have a goal in mind: pure love. I want to exist as a man who is singularly dedicated to love. Love for God, which manifests itself in love for people, is my one true aim, and I regret to inform you that I fall short of that goal with alarming frequency.
I want to make it clear that I'm not wallowing in guilt. I know I've been forgiven by God. I'm pretty sure I've been forgiven by my friend. But even beyond the forgiveness, it still breaks my heart that I messed up so bad (believe me - SO BAD) with someone I really care about.
But I'd like to get to the point where it breaks my heart when I mess up with someone I don't even know.
I'd like to use my guilt to learn from my mistakes and continue my push towards being the man God wants me to be.
Please pray for me as I do this.
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