What I've Learned From a Broken Heart

The backstory: I met a girl. I fell completely in love with her. She did not feel the same for me. Things got complicated (to put it simply). Things fell apart.

My heart shattered.

It still hurts. I'm getting better with each passing day... But it's still, unquestionably, the absolute worst, hardest, and most painful thing I've gone through so far in my life.

The disclaimer: I don't want this - AT ALL - to come across as a solicitation for pity. I don't want people to read this and feel bad for me so they'll shower me with affection. I really don't even want this to be about me at all. I want this to be about God. I want this to be about what God has shown me through my pain, but in order for me to show you what God has shown me, I've also got to show you what I've been through.

Here are four (of many) things I've learned.

1. God can use our darkest moments to show us His Light brighter than we've ever seen it, so long as we let Him.

The pain was (and sometimes still is) utterly indescribable. There was a great big hole, right in the middle of me. There were times when nothing could bring me happiness. My favorite songs were torture to listen to. I couldn't watch any movie with anything remotely resembling a happy love story without crying. (This includes, but is not limited to, Disney's 1992 animated film, Aladdin.) "I ate ashes as my food, and mingled my drink with tears." (Psalm 102:9, sort of...)

There came a point in all of that pain where, in attempts to at least distract myself, I picked up a copy of C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. I devoured it. From there, I went on to more of Lewis. But more importantly, from Lewis, I went straight to God. It is because of the heartbreak I experienced that I completely refocused my mind, my heart, my soul, and my strength on God. My prayer life went from stagnant to unstoppable. I learned what it means to "pray without ceasing."

And so, in the middle of all of my horrible pain... God showed me more of His face than I'd ever seen before. When I found myself surrounded by nothing but darkness, God's Light came shining through more than ever.

BUT... That only happened because I let it. Instead of wallowing in my self-pity - which, frankly, I'm really good at when I put my mind to it - I decided to open my heart and my mind up to God. I decided to focus on something bigger than my pain. Something bigger than my own misfortunes. Something bigger than my bruised ego. And the only thing in the universe bigger than my pain, my misfortunes, and my ego... especially my ego... is God.

2. Forgiveness feels far, far better than revenge ever could.

I like action movies. I like cowboy movies. I like movies where the bad guys are really, really bad and always carry guns, while the good guys are really, really morally ambiguous and also always carry guns, but happen to be superior marksmen.

So I really like the idea of revenge. I like the idea of "You did something wrong, so you're gonna pay for it." I especially like that idea when it comes in the form of "You did something wrong TO ME, so you're gonna pay for it." I have a really hard time with "turn the other cheek." I have a really hard time trying to "overcome evil with good."

But something funny - not funny "ha-ha" but more funny "I'm a terrible person" - happened when I thought about all the hurt I'd been caused and how delicious revenge could be, complete with emotional guns-a-blazin'...

I realized that I am every bit as guilty of breaking other girls' hearts as this girl is of breaking mine.

(I know there are a lot of you reading this who will find it hard to believe that I could ever possibly break a girl's heart. To some of you, I would like to say thank you for your confidence in the gentleness of my character, but I assure you, yes, I do have a dark side, and yes, I have caused some very undeserving girls a whole lot of pain in the past. Others of you simply do not believe that I'm quite interesting enough for a girl to invest enough of her emotions into me that her heart could possibly be broken no matter what I did, and to you I would like to say... Well, OK, I don't really have any good argument against that one.)

And that realization made me think of a couple of things.

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

- Romans 2:1

And if that one weren't bad enough on its own...

Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.

- Matthew 6:12 (NLT)

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

- Matthew 18:21-35

Have I been wronged? Yeah. I have.

But does the evil done to me compare, even on the slightest level, to the offenses I've committed against God? You could put a single grain of sand next to Mount Everest and you still wouldn't be anywhere close to comparing the difference between the two.

And once I realized that... Well, it made it a lot easier to forgive her, I'll say that much... Especially since the forgiveness that God shows towards me is directly related to the forgiveness that I show others.

And I'd much rather God forgive me than take out His revenge on me.

3. Sometimes God speaks to us through voices that we have a hard time listening to.

I've got some really, really smart friends. I've got a really, really smart family. These are people who have loved me for their whole lives, or have loved me for my whole life, or have loved me since they met me, or hated my guts at first and then for some reason decided that I'm actually a pretty decent guy and have loved me ever since. These are people whose hearts I hold close to mine, whose respect I treasure, and whose companionship has been an enormous blessing in my life.

And these people in my life - a whole lot of people in my life - were telling me, over and over and over, that I was on a road that was only going to lead to a broken heart.

Well, if you were one of those folks and haven't heard me say it yet, perk up your ears - YOU WERE RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.

I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that it was all going to work out. I wanted so badly to believe that God was telling me that I was right and that they were all wrong. I wanted so badly to believe that the constant voice reassuring me that everything would work out the way I wanted it to was God's voice, the Holy Spirit, leading me in my life.

As it turns out, I was the one telling myself it would work out, that I was right, that everything would work out the way I wanted it to. It also turns out that I am not God.

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

- Proverbs 27:9

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.

- Proverbs 15:4, 12, 22, 31

I could, pretty easily, quote a lot more of Proverbs, but it all kinda boils down to the same thing: I made a huge mistake in not listening to the advice of the people who care about me. And the only reason I didn't listen... is because I didn't want to.

I didn't WANT them to be right, even if I knew they were.

And look where it got me.

4. Pain fades, anger cools, love lasts.

I don't want you thinking that I hate this girl. I really don't even want you thinking I'm mad at her. I have my moments, but... they pass.

In spite of everything - even in spite of my own self-preservation instincts - I still love her. I would still do anything for her. I still want her to be happy. I still want her to be a bright, shining beacon for God, seeking Him in everything she does.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

- I Corinthians 13:4-8a (emphasis added)

If I love this girl - if I ever loved her - I can't be after revenge. I can't keep track of how bad she hurt me. I can't keep thinking about ways that MY life is affected.

I've got to think about HER spiritual needs.

I've got to think about OTHERS' spiritual needs.

I've got to think about showing the entire world the same unbelievable, unstoppable, unconditional, and absolutely unconventional love that God has shown me.

And if it breaks my heart? So be it.

Even if it breaks my heart a hundred, a thousand, a million times? So be it.

Because no matter how broken, decimated, shattered, or obliterated my heart may be, I haven't come anywhere near the pain that God experiences every time I choose to put myself first, surrender to my prideful desires, and turn my face away from Him.

So all I can do is exactly what I am told to do: forgive, forgive, forgive, and then forgive some more, and never, ever, ever stop loving.

And hopefully... even through all the heartbreak... I'll keep on learning.

(If you would like to read, or re-read, what I learned earlier on in this broken-hearted journey, this post is the one you want.)

Unrequited Love and the Desperate Search for Holiness, part II

In my last post, I talked about how we can relate a bit to God when we feel the incredible pains of unrequited love. The single greatest pain I've ever gone through in my life to this point is knowing that I love a girl enough to move mountains for her, and it goes unappreciated. And man, that's awful.

God feels the same thing when somebody chooses a life that doesn't have Him at the center. All God wants from us is our love. Loving God carries with it a certain code of conduct, but the code of conduct is pretty easy, because once you truly love God, you start to understand - even though it's still in an infinitely small way - how much God truly loves you, as well as the rest of mankind. Once you understand God's love for mankind, you start to spread that love around, too.

On my last post, Robin had a comment that perfectly sets up what I want to talk about in this post.

"If you love me you will feed my sheep."

How can we love everyone without liking everyone? Sure, God is crazy about us because he gave us life and we're his creation, but how can we become head-over-heels crazy about every living person?

Feed his sheep, heal his world, live, love, die?

In "Mere Christianity" - which is really just an outstanding book, and I heartily recommend it to anyone who wants to challenge their own way of thinking, Christian or not - C. S. Lewis hits on this very idea. He says that it's very important that we not confuse liking someone with loving someone, even though it is very natural for us to like a lot of the people that we love, and love a lot of the people we like. Within that, then, it's necessary to understand that we are not called to like everybody. It's simply impossible to do.

It is, however, entirely possible to love people without liking them.

There's a guy I used to hang out with a lot that I really just don't like.

And the thing is, even though we saw each other pretty often, I never really did like him. I tried to. He's a decent enough guy. He isn't hostile towards anybody, at least that I've ever seen. He's generous. He'd give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He genuinely tries to be pleasant and conversational with people no matter where he is. That's something I don't do very well, but he's pretty good at it.

I just don't like him.

Like I said, we used to hang out quite a bit. Almost every day for a few months. Then it just got to a point where I was constantly cranky when he showed up. It wasn't that he was knocking over my DVD shelf or leaving my fridge open or any other minor aggravation like that, it was just him. The way he talks, the way he thinks, the way he acts... It all drove me completely crazy. And most of my other friends got along with him just fine!

So I finally got to a point where I decided that the best thing for both of us was to just not hang out anymore.

Now... Is that love?

I think it is. As far as me and that guy are concerned, at least. Because the alternative - at least then and still now - was for us to continue hanging out and for me to continue being a jerk when he was around. The guy got under my skin, and for no real reason other than simply being himself! So when he was around, I'd make fun of him. Sometimes it'd be out in the open, sometimes it'd be real sarcastic and subtle, where I knew (or at least hoped) he wouldn't pick it up, but other people would. I'd get mad at him for doing things that my other friends could do with no problem, just because he was the one doing them. I'd get mad at him for not knowing things that I had no right in the world to expect him to know just because he was hanging out with me.

And so, in the best interest of loving him - caring for him more than I care for myself, treating him like I would want to be treated - I just stopped hanging out with him altogether.

I was mean to him! And I liked it! I enjoyed making fun of this guy. It was easy! So I had to cut it out. I had to show him the same dignity I would have wanted shown to myself. Being around him meant I was mean to him, so in order to not be mean to him, I had to not be around him.

So now... I don't make fun of him as much. And I never do it to his face. Do I need to quit making fun of him altogether? Sure do. Working on it. But I'm doing better than I was.

Will I ever mature to a point where I can hang out with this guy again and not be a jerk towards him? Well... I don't want to doubt the transformative powers of the Holy Spirit in my life, so I'll just say "probably not anytime soon."

Is my example the single way showing how to love someone you don't like? Goodness, no. I took the easy way out. Specifically, the way out. Just out altogether.

But like I said, it helped. Now, when I do see him... I'm nicer. I still don't like him, and I still have to fight like crazy to not completely berate him at every turn when he's around, but it's an easier fight.

So how do we love people we don't like? I think the answer still lies in the words of Christ, from Matthew 7:12:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

People are different. Sometimes we just don't get along. Sometimes we don't get along to such an extreme that it becomes difficult for us to even be in the same room.

But if we do to them what we want them to do to us, we'll be in good shape. If what we want them to do to us is simply leave us alone, do that for them, and I promise you, you'll get along just fine.

And if that sounds a bit too isolationist... Well... I'm sorry. Sometimes you just have to avoid certain people until you learn enough about love from your other relationships in order to do better with people you don't like. Sometimes you have to be isolated for a little while. Sometimes you have to be alone in order to learn what your function with people really is.

Never give up on God's ability - as well as His patience and desire - to transform you into the person He knows you can be. It will take time, it will take effort, and it will take pain. But God can use anything in our lives to help us see Him more clearly. Even people we don't like.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

- I John 4:7-12

Unrequited Love and the Desperate Search for Holiness, part I

I'm gonna wager that if you have the mental capacity to read and understand the words on this page, then you've probably been in love before.

I mean, really, if you're past the age of seven, you've probably been in love before.

And... unfortunately... you've probably also been in love with someone who didn't love you back. Maybe they didn't love you back the right way, maybe they didn't love you back "enough", maybe they didn't love you back at all.

But I don't know anyone who hasn't been through it, and I can honestly say that unrequited love is the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced. There's no exaggeration in that, there's no hyperbole, and there's no melodrama. It's just a straight up fact.

I've never buried a parent, and, Lord willing, I won't have to for a long, long, long time. Again, Lord willing, I hope to never have to bury a child, once I've actually got them. I'm not saying unrequited love is the worst thing possible, I'm just saying it's the worst thing I've gone through.

How can someone so completely break my heart if there wasn't ever actually a relationship there in the first place? How can a love that didn't actually happen keep me up at night? How could I feel so strongly, so deeply, and so completely for someone else that I would - gladly, and without a moment's hesitation - sacrifice everything I am and have and ever would be for her and it not be returned?

I don't know. I don't get it. Maybe I will one day. Maybe I won't.

But in the meantime... I've learned something else about God.

God created us because He loves us. God created the entire universe because He loves us. Everything in the grand infinite span of existence was designed to point clearly towards God. The stars in the night sky, the majesty of nature, the love and reasoning of mankind... it's all there to point towards God.

I'm willing to lay down my entire life, to the point of death, for the girl that I love. God did lay down His life, to the point of death, for the people He loves. And those people is us. All of us. Every single one of us.

And so now... I have some small, tiny fraction of a window into the heart of God. Now I know, in a small, small, so very, very small way what God feels when someone doesn't love Him the way He wants us to.

And I never want to put God through that again.

You see, the thing is, God really only asks us to do one thing: Love Him. That's it. That is the entire point.

Matthew 22:36-40

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Everything in the Bible - everything, everything, everything - is meant to show us one thing: how to better love God. It just happens that loving God means you love people.

Love changes your life. And I don't mean it changes your life like a new haircut "changes your life" or getting a new car "changes your life" or even like moving to a new town "changes your life." Love rewires you. Love transforms you. Love completely overhauls everything you are.

I John 4:7-12

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

There comes a time in life - and I don't know when that time is for you, I just know it's right now for me - when love becomes the single most important thing in the universe. And the thing is... it transcends reciprocation.

Do I hope and wish and pray that the girl I'm so hung up on will change her mind and things work out between the two of us and we live happily ever after? You bet. More than anything else in the physical world, that's at the top of my list. It'd sure make one peach of a Christmas present.

But is my love for her conditionally based on her loving me back? No. Not anymore, at least. Whether we get married or not, whether I ever speak to her again or not, I know that I care for her on a deep enough level that I can't go back on it. I can't undo it. And it's not just because it's her.

It's because it's love.

I finally understood - even if it was just for a brief, shimmering moment - what it means to be willing to lay down my life for someone. I finally understood - even as imperfect it was and still is - what it's like to put someone else completely above myself. I finally understood - even as much as coming to the understanding hurt me - what it means to love and accept and forgive and care for and sacrifice for and pray for another person to the point that I put their needs and desires above my own.

And now... I'm realizing I've got to do that for everybody on the planet.

I've got a great relationship with both of my parents. My sister is one of my closest friends. I've been richly blessed my entire life with such an incredible family, so it's not like I'm any stranger to love.

But so what if I love my family? So what if I love the people who love me? Who cares? Who's impressed?

But what if I start loving the people who don't love me back?

What if I start loving everyone with just as much of the love as I've had for the unattainable girl of my dreams, even if it's not in the same way?

What if I start loving everyone I ever come in contact with like they're more important than I am?

Wouldn't that be something? Wouldn't that be approaching true holiness? Wouldn't that be getting as close as is humanly possible to really showing the world what the power and love of God can still do today?

John said that "God is love." He also said that "love comes from God" and that "everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." And when I finally got to the point where I understood what that kind of love is, it changed my life. I'm telling you right now, it was a BIG moment when I realized that my heart and soul were bursting apart at the seams because I had finally let God show me what HIS love is like.

So what if you started doing the same thing?