I'm sorry.
That's all I've got.
I've apologized to God, and now I'm apologizing to you. If you think for a second that this could possibly be directed towards you, it is. If I have in any way wronged you - to your knowledge, to your face, or to your liking or not - I really am sorry.
I've turned off comments on this post because I want you to know that anything you have to say will be between me and you, so please, get in touch. If you're reading this... Yes, it really is you I'm talking to.
I have recognized a few things about myself that I don't like. Trying to fix them.
I'll be back next week with the stuff I said I was gonna have this week last week.
And I love every one of you.
Non-Emo Addendum: Friday, July 2, 2010, 2:33 PM
So... Repentance. Obviously something I've been dealing with this week...
It's pretty amazing how God works in me sometimes. I'm sure it's amazing how He works in you as well, but I can't see that the way I can see this.
I made a few "small" mistakes a short while ago... I thought they were harmless, just natural extensions of the unique experience that is Aaron J. Rushton. Turns out the "small" mistakes were actually "outrageously huge" offenses! Well... Awesome.
I am a pretty good guy... at least 80-85% of the time. Maybe all the way up to 90%. On a good day.
But that 10-20% margin of error still really gets me in trouble sometimes. I feel like a prisoner to my temptations. It's like I'm defined by this one thing I can't get my mind off of. And it feels like this ONE thing... this one struggle, this one temptation... is robbing me of ALL of my righteousness. I am so caught up in this ONE sin that I can't do a single good thing, one righteous thing, to balance it out, to cancel it, to redeem myself... Nothing.
I am a creature of sin, tied like Prometheus to the rock of my passions, torn apart every day by the unending assault of Satan's winged messengers, with their razor-sharp talons and beaks like meat cleavers.
Don't read too much into that.
But what's amazing about this whole thing isn't that I was convicted of my sin and decided to repent after I'd been confronted with what I'd done. When I was confronted with what I'd done, I issued a half-hearted apology and chalked it up to, "Hey, you can't please everybody."
And that was really bad.
God definitely has a sense of drama. He knows how to weave plotlines together like none other. Even the Coen Brothers aren't this good. As I continued to ignore my guilt, God let me take a look into the horrifying consequences of the same sin I was dealing with and how it has affected other people's lives, running unchecked. My "small" mistake was a step on that road, and I realized that I was much farther down that road than I wanted to be.
I know that I have been created by God with certain desires, but if I'm letting those desires make my decisions for me instead of aiming for the purposes God had in mind when He created those desires... well, then I'm just in a bad place, a slave to my own weakness. Again... a prisoner.
But this is not where the story ends. This is where things actually start to get really interesting.
In repentance, in true, genuine, heartfelt contrition, there is an unbelievable release. I kinda think God's got something to do with that one, too.
Through repentance, we open ourselves up so God can free us from our own prison. In sincere penitence, we lay down enough of our pride, enough of our self-reality, to accept a bit more of the only True thing in this existence. Jesus wasn't joking when He said "...the Truth will set you free." (John 8:32)
I messed up. Really bad. I hurt several people that I genuinely care about, and others... well, they might not know I did anything wrong to them, but I did it just the same.
I'm still really sorry. I'm still addressing this to every single one of you. And I still love you all.
