Why I hate Superman so very, very, very much

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's an incredibly boring character whose very DNA is filled with deus ex machina story resolutions!

I hate Superman.

Oh, dear sweet goodness, do I hate Superman.

In the interest of fairness and full disclosure, I need to point out that I specifically hate what Superman has become today.

The original Superman - June 1938, Action Comics #1 - wasn't bad. Not my favorite by any stretch, but definitely better than what we've got now. I absolutely love the 1941-1943 Fleischer/Famous Studios Superman cartoons, but that's partly the animation nerd in me showing. Same thing goes for Superman: The Animated Series: if it was just another Superman cartoon, I'd skip it completely. But since it's from Bruce Timm and all the other guys that made the Batman series, well, then, I've got no choice but to own the entire thing on DVD. I mean, really... No choice. What choice do I have? None!

But Superman as he exists today... Yeah, not a fan.

I'm gonna do you a favor and skip over a lot of my nerd rage here and just bring up a couple of quick things that will hopefully at least help you understand why I hate Superman. So the quick version is this - 1) Superman is so powerful it's downright stupid, and 2) Superman is so morally pure and good that he makes for some really, really, really boring stories.

As I'm sure you know, since Superman is unfortunately one of the select few superheroes who has been chosen for universal recognition outside of the world of comics, Superman isn't actually human - he's a Kryptonian. His home planet of Krypton was destroyed years ago, and young Kal-El (Superman's real Kryptonian name) was stuck in an interplanetary escape pod, crash landing outside of a farm in Smallville, Kansas, to be raised by his adoptive parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent. Since Krypton orbited a red sun and our earth orbits a yellow sun, as Clark Kent grew into manhood, he discovered he had powers far beyond those of mortal men. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive... You know all of this.

But the point is that there are other powers that Superman has in the comics that just kinda stop making sense. For instance... Superman not only has X-Ray vision, but he can see radio waves if he squints. This is a silly thing. Seriously. Radio waves. Squinting.

And that's not all! Because Superman has been spending so much time absorbing all of the yellow radiation from our sun, Kryptonite doesn't even slow him down anymore. The only way to make Superman vulnerable to any sort of physical harm is to bathe him in the light of a red sun - and how many red suns do you have lying around, hmmm?

Even his hair is bulletproof.

But an indestructible character is not necessarily an uninteresting character. It's the addition of the super-duper good guy persona that makes Superman so intolerable to me. No matter what Lex Luthor does - from kidnapping Lois Lane and holding her hostage in the heart of a volcano to brainwashing Jimmy Olsen to become a Superman-hating hippie (both of these things happened) - Superman never gets angry, never gets out of control, never shows emotion beyond a stern disapproval of Luthor's naughty ways.

And that gets boring.

Sure, there's all sorts of drama about how he never knew his real parents, and his entire planet was blown up, and he's the last of his race...

But then there's also the bottle city of Kandor (an entire city from Krypton shrunk down to the size of a snow globe), Kara Zor-El (Supergirl), General Zod and the other surviving Kryptonian villains from the Phantom Zone, Krypto the superdog, Streaky the supercat, Comet the superhorse, and Beppo the supermonkey, because why not?

So no matter what happens to Superman, unless Lois Lane were to actually die, none of it matters, at all, because at the end of the day, he can still punch his way out of whatever death trap he's in and then smile for the camera when he snatches Jimmy Olsen from the claws of the Thanagarian snare-beast or whatever inane crap it is this week. (For those of you who care, check out Kingdom Come for an alternate-future story where Lois in fact is killed by the Joker, and Superman is for once an interesting character.)

I have a point with all of this, and it's not just to indoctrinate you into my way of thinking about arguably the most popular superhero of all time.

What I want you to think about now is how many Christians you know (maybe including even you yourself) who try to present an image of themselves as being like Superman.

It has become an epidemic: some Christians in today's world are trying to convince the rest of us - and even themselves - that they are bulletproof, that they are above reproach, that they are without weakness in any shape, form, or fashion. They have (rightly) taken God's grace into their lives and realized that they have been forgiven of all of their sins, but then have also (wrongly) used that as an excuse for a stand-offish superiority.

One of the stereotypical scenes put into just about every media translation of Superman ever is the image of Superman foiling a robbery in progress and the bad guys wasting all of their ammunition firing into Superman's impenetrable chest as he stands stock still, an ever-vigilant guardian of goodness and pretty hair.

Sometimes some Christians try to convince people around them that they're the same as Superman - bulletproof, immovable, never-failing, never-faltering...

And that's just wrong.

If there's anything that Jesus was trying to teach us throughout His ministry, it's that God is Good and we aren't. We miss it. We miss it by miles. And it is only through a confession of that missing it that we ever get any closer.

And it's not good enough to just say "Well, I'm not perfect." We've actually got to be willing to open up to God and to each other and confess - BY NAME! - our sins.

I have something of a problem with lust and pornography. I am unbelievably arrogant at times. (Believably arrogant at others.) I pass judgment on people with little to no hesitation just because they don't act or look like me - and most of the time, I'm judging them for (possibly) judging others who do act or look like me. How's THAT for awesome?

I could go on, but those are the three it's hardest for me to actually own up to, so I think you're getting the picture.

The purpose of our redemption in Christ is not to transform us from sinner to super saint so we can stand firm in our goodness and watch the bullets of sin and darkness just ping! and ftwang! off of our perfectly chiseled pecs. In fact, it is that very mindset of thinking that our righteousness is so secure that we're impervious to the attacks of Satan that will land us directly in the enemy's camp in no time.

So don't do that.

If you pay attention to what Mary is saying in Luke 1:46-55, you'll see a lot of the "theology of reversal" - God opposes the proud but lifts up the humble, fills the hungry but sends the rich away empty... This is an invaluable peek into what it means to actually seek the Heart of God. It is only through assuming a correct relationship with God and man that we can actually enter into a blessed relationship with God or man.

We are residing as aliens in this world, which means that we're definitely not supposed to be like everyone else down here, but in our uniqueness from the earth, we've also got to be willing to be a part of it. We are to keep ourselves pure from the pollution of the world, but we're also supposed to reach out to the world in efforts to bring them to God. In order to do any of this, we have to admit our own weakness - total, complete, ground-up, all-consuming, inevitable weakness - and rely fully, wholly, entirely, and solely upon God. Nothing else works. Ever.

Weakness is strength and strength is weakness. The exalted will be humbled and the humble will be exalted. The first will be last and the last will be first. The sooner we all get that idea into our heads and start living it out on a daily basis by treating everyone we ever come into contact with as being more important than ourselves, then the sooner we can get the world closer to something of a respectable condition so we don't have to be embarrassed when Jesus comes back and sees the total mess we've made of things since He left.

(Also - anybody who makes any lame Superman/Jesus comparison in the comments is gonna get mocked. Just warning you now.)