I wonder where I stand in God's eyes. How am I doing?
Am I doing the best I can?
Yes...
...but?
I'm not doing the best I could.
Ah. I see where the concern comes in. But let me ask me this. Am I intentionally doing less than the best I know how to do at this point in my life, with the tools I have at my disposal?
No...
So I'm trying to Love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength?
Yeah...
And I'm trying my best to Love Others as I Love myself, seeking what is the best for the most people instead of just for me?
Umm... Yes?
My confidence is overwhelming.
Right, yeah, I... I think I'm doing that? I'm at least TRYING to do that... But the thing is I just... ugh. I'm just so bad at it. Very bad. Just... Dude. I am not good at that thing.
Hey, come on... I'm not... umm... awful. I'm not... like... OK, I haven't killed anybody. That's pretty good.
Right, but can I really be content with just not being so bad that I have to go to jail? I'm already borderline homeless. Jail would kinda be a step up. Three hots and a cot, man. Can't argue with that.
Point granted.
But I already know that "not bad" isn't good enough. Following Christ is not about just not being bad, it is about actively being good. It is about self-sacrificial, holy, outward-moving Love. And I'm not great at that.
Am I so sure of that, though? Obviously not everybody on this planet thinks I'm a total jerk.
Well, sure, but that's just because not everybody on the planet has been burdened with the knowledge that I exist.
Oh, come on... I'm not that bad.
Easy for me to say.
Look... I've got a hugely supportive family, I'm obviously very loved by a whole lot of people who aren't even related to me, I've got a lot of friends who would take a bullet for me... I've made a positive impact on at least a few people's lives or else nobody would give me the time of day, much less house me and feed me.
I... have a point.
It's pretty useless arguing with me.
But look at me! I'm a failure. Nothing is going the way it's supposed to.
How are things "supposed to" go, then?
Well... Alright, look, don't get smart. But seriously, I don't have a job --
Wrong. I don't have an income. I have a job. I am doing the job God asked me to do by reaching out to the people He has placed in my life. I've definitely made an impact on those people's lives.
Sure, but Mussolini made an impact on Italy. Doesn't mean it was good.
I'm surely not comparing myself to a fascist dictator, am I? Come on.
No, but look, man... Maybe I'm in the spot I'm in because I've just made so many dumb choices over the last decade that I've lost all context of what a good life is even supposed to be like.
Well, maybe... But maybe I was led here. Maybe I'm in a position where I can reach out to people that others can't, or don't, or won't. Maybe God wants me living the life I'm living because it puts me in a position to reach His lost sheep.
Ugh. Man. Maybe... I dunno. I just feel like I've got to be making some huge mistake that I just can't see yet.
Well... Yeah. I am. I'm still human. I'm not going to be not making at least one huge mistake until I become something else. God is refining me. Am I strong enough to endure the fire?
How do I know God is refining me in the first place? How do I know this fire isn't God telling me I should go somewhere that isn't on fire?
Didn't Jesus say that those who follow Him would suffer for Him?
Well, yeah, but isn't every other verse in the book of Proverbs about how fools destroy themselves and think they're doing the right thing? Am I in the spot I'm in because I've chosen to trust God for all I need, or is it just because I'm an idiot?
God makes the wisdom of the world foolishness. All of the Apostles but John met violent deaths, and John died an old man in exile. Do I think they had the reliable material comforts that I'm really whining about?
No, but that whole "Hey, my shadow touched a lame guy and now he can walk" kind of thing is a pretty solid indicator that God is a fan of what a dude is doing. I can't claim that.
No, because that's not my story. I'm not there. I'm here. I have to be what God asked me to be, not what He asked other people to be.
Yeah... Man. I hate it when I'm right.
I know, it's hard, but hey, I'm not the only one who deals with that problem. Tons of people hate it when I'm right, apparently...
Will it ever get better?
Of course!
OK, yeah... Will it ever get better in this lifetime?
Don't look at me! How am I supposed to know? But does it really matter if my life gets better? Isn't it about me getting better? Isn't it about my relationship with God getting better? Isn't it about the world getting better? God never said I'd have a reliable car, a fully stocked fridge, and my very own key to my very own place.
And it's getting hot again, too...
Now I'm not even making a point, I'm just whining.
Yeah, I'm right... sorry.
It's OK.
But seriously, how do I know if I'm doing the right thing?
What am I trying to do?
Reach the lost. Specifically, those that most folks can't, won't, haven't, don't... Whatever. I'm trying to be the doctor going to the sick, not to the healthy.
And what is the point of everything in Luke 15?
...wow, yeah...
So do I think I'm doing something God wants somebody down here to do?
Yeah.
Do I think He's equipped me to do that task?
...yyyyyesssss?
Come on. On May 28, 2011, I performed a wedding at a concert festival for two people I'd never met. In a crowd that is not used to having people around who identify themselves as a preacher, everybody who knows me knows me specifically as the preacher. Even guys in the bands that played the festival know I'm a preacher. I am making an impact, dude. That was a victory. I read some Truth to some people who might not hear it very often. Love was the message, man, and the people responded.
Yeah... Yeah, they did... That was pretty awesome...
Totally awesome! Incredibly awesome! Wicked awesome!
But what about when I'm not at Amberland? I mean, that's... that's kind of its own thing, man... I can't expect every day life to be like Amberland.
No, but I can still treat people like I treat them at Amberland. I already know I love everybody at Amberland, right?
Right...
And where does that get me?
Uhh... Some pretty awesome places, really...
Exactly! And how do I feel about my ministry when I'm in the PGroove crowd?
Pretty, uhh... pretty groovy, man...
Right on, brother. So just treat everybody that way. Love them all. Be honest about who I am and what God has done for me. Be bold in my Love for them, and be bold about how important God is in my life.
But is everybody else ready for the same "ministry style" I have in that world?
Not at all... but am I even called to minister to everybody else in the first place?
I... I guess not...
Right. So don't sweat it. The people I am sent to will be the ones who respond. The ones I wasn't sent to will either take it and benefit from it or toss it out completely. Even Jesus was sent to a specific crowd to do His thing.
Right... Man. Jesus. What a guy, right?
Totally.
Wow. What a guy.
So are we good?
Well... For now... Yeah, I guess...
I'll take what I can get.
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